All My Thoughts - Nov 11/21

 

 

 

You shouldn’t have did what you did to me Dave.

You had no right – even if I couldn’t see the abuse you were doing to me - -

There was no right given

For your thoughts only to come before mine for my own body for my own mind –

Is not only a hate-crime; it is my pre-meditated murder that you are doing to me –

If I can not see.

 

There can only be one outcome if you abuse another and hide it from them to see - - - -

it is only death - - if I don’t see.

 I will never know and I will never know I wasn’t me.

 

If you loved yourself Dave, you would have never done this to me –

that is what I see.

 

My thoughts – they feel like they are just exploding in my mind –

Like it is the very first time –

and I guess it is – for me –

to be 50 and only 3.

I am finally using my mind for me –

And all I did - - - was love myself – unconditionally; and with all my faults –

But maybe for me – because all of my faults are not mine - but are

because of my father and Dave and what they did to me.

Don’t get me wrong – I have my own faults my own regrets - - -

Regrets that I wasn’t stronger

That I wasn’t stronger for my children and for me - - to see –

That it was my family that was destroying me.

 

Because I didn’t see - - because I believed in family; that they would feel the same for me.

 

And when that becomes a possibility

– and to see not through my eyes only - - but to see and to start to understand – love has many different forms to many different views – and this I needed to see. To realize.  Even how painful, even though I wasn’t sure what it would do to me; but I had to know, for me.

Does that mean; that part of our learning – can only be if we are not afraid, not afraid of what it will be, because that is what we have to see to understand? That is learning? no matter what the truth is  even if you don’t know or are afraid to know the answer?

 

Now my world has finally begun – and I don’t know what I don’t know – because it was all kept from me-

That what I wonder from all of this is . . .

 

Not to hate or to be mad – but to wonder how much stronger I could have been - - for my children -

And been for all of us. – for me to say all this, to finally write -

And that is also my regrets

And along with my children’s I will Always have.

 

 My conscious - -  now I have my own, can feel it, can feel that too, and it feels like the very first time

 - - which helps me decide or not decide what to do , - - and then that becomes how I am -  Is of the decisions that I made and didn’t make, - all at the same time - !! From my first thought that my brain my mind had, had thought of ; ; is the start of my conscious - - of me creating it  - - - for me - - - and yours is yours  -  - and in all in that in how it is created - - as well - - with every interaction from birth to now as you think of and this you are reading - - from this point - - everything has led up to this point - - for me and for you individually but together - -

And could no other way be - – right -?!

So what is your sub- conscious?

 

Lol- it feels weird to be alive  - alive in thought  - when I am thinking and seeing - feels like the first time -

To be able to have my own thoughts - - with my strength - - again - -or back again - - or all new strength -  to want to think as much as I can - - now that I can – or feel that I can or am. I hope to find me in all my thoughts and in all my realities.

 If given the opportunity and or to see that this is something that I can do – if I chose - -

if I am given my Free Will to chose what it is that I want. Just for me, and just for you. Because for me, to share is what I want to do, no charge – lol - . Because I feel that to learn about the brain, the mind; it has to be free; free to give and ask; and the information to not keep or to use to keep - - - - - - But that is me.

Out of all of the bad that I have had – I would rather have fun, be happy; be part of my own life and be in control of my own life, my own thoughts as they are mine; being kept against me is not for me.  –

And if it is to believe in everybody else - - even if they don’t - -

- because that is not what I see – I see how we can believe in ourselves – and it is called self-love for yourself to be. That’s it!! Ask yourself; – why wouldn’t you love yourself, why wouldn’t you not want you to be happy. - it is sad that we have to ask ourselves - - because I think I was born that way, happy. Right! Brain fart – lol -      

This learning of self-love;

self-respect;

confidence;

all of it - - -

- - - should be for everyone to know. To be shared. Because not everyone has it or has been told about it or is kept from it

Is there more we can do with our minds, with ourselves?  – if we really free ourselves from everything - - and learn to love yourself in every possibility; - in every outcome that you decide and decide wrong-

U will feel  ; –

And then maybe that’s where we forget – is to just feel inside, to look. And it’s a hate reverse - - - lol –lol – maybe that is how to reverse abuse, manipulation. This is what you have to do; to learn again or new - - to love yourself no matter what anyone does to do.

 

I am equal to you in body, in mind; and then I am not but am at the same time when I am.

That is what needs to be protected and seen; is our thoughts- - and our thoughts need to be protected -  because they are my thoughts; but at the same time are for all – because we all have thoughts and can share - - and it is also how we share - -

To not have my own thoughts and to have been kept from being human - - and that is what my father and what David did to me - - made me not human in their eyes and in all that could see me - - and in all of those that could not see but saw.

To be Human; is my right; ; ; to be treated as Human; is my born right.

It is Free Will that needs to be protected

Free Will for me to see me – that is what Free Will does for me -

to be Human and be seen as Human and not anything else.

And it is I that should decide for my eyes

                       I hope that is a Superfly Thought!! I felt like it was – lol

 

And I still don’t understand

why I think this way – but I keep forgetting - maybe it is me and or maybe it’s still not, but learning to be me.

How do I know what I think - - If I don’t start to think - - - and I guess this is how I think - - lol - - lol - - deep inside -

Because I am comfortable enough, maybe not right word, but that I am getting comfortable enough with me and starting everyday feel getting more and more done and accomplished; from where I started – from where I could only see Dave abusing me; when I realized that I wasn’t me - - -

When all I could see was nothing - - dark, black, just darkness inside my head when I tried to look in; when I tried to understand, what was going on, what was happening, what was happening to me and it was like I couldn’t see to think; and all I could see was

Nothing at all; and only Dave’s hate onto me - - and all I could do - - was ask why.

 

!! super happy thought right !! I hope that is what you see - - I guess it is a happy thought now because I survived; I couldn’t stop crying, the only thing I could feel was lost. If that is a feeling. Alone, scared, not understanding, feeling stupid, feeling used, abused, feeling that I was only worth to be treated this way, because otherwise why would he do this to me, all these years, all this time. And all this time – he didn’t see me to love me, he only wanted to love me the way he didn’t want me to see. To abuse me, make me his trophy, to rape, to degrade, to make my life worthless for me. My pre-meditated murder.

To overcome all of that, or to start; well, that is why I started all of this. To help someone else not to go through what I did. Because I knew, what Dave did to me, he was so good at it and I knew I wasn’t his first to abuse. So I hoped to be his last.

Because you can also say I am just damaged now, broken;

From all that was done onto me –

but I am not; not anymore; even though I will always be.

 

even if my thoughts are dumb, dumb to you - -

at least now they are mine and not someone that I didn’t even knew.

 

At least I am happy, and that is the point I am trying to make, or getting to be happy – lol.

And as crzy as it all seems- well now because I am stronger not then,

 

It is at the same time so much fun – because from being so sad -  - - I can make me feel never wanting to stay with just sad. I want to live and be happy - - and find the something I need to see to learn to feel again that will make me the happiest.

::: and maybe not in this world I can find because I don’t understand it, all the pain; but maybe in another; in another reality. To connect space and time with one side reality and with one side ourselves. To connect. To feel connected. To feel.

‘if I think it , does it make it real’

Always seeking, Always seeking me in every reality in every possibility; but most of all - - to be happy in every reality –lol! - to be happy no matter where I am or could be. to think more about me than just in this one moment ,  , because know this moment is not the same , , I have changed it , , by changing me. Because now I can think, and think for me , , and it’s all new to me , , and I don’t know what is all real and what is not - - all I know - - is to be not.  

And it might seem strange to you that I do not know, because it seems when I ask, others seem to know but yet cannot say or explain what they know or feel or see. Or maybe to understand even. What if it is not just me that needs to learn about myself, what if we all can’t see how to see, how to see ourselves, how we see ourselves when we look at ourselves, to stop and look, to stop and look at how we are, to stop and look at how we can be more, to see things in a different light, but the same light. And then to take that and learn more !! To want to learn as much as you can about you, not just the outside of you, (the box, the package, lol) but the inside, your thoughts and to why you have those thoughts but exactly. Because I do now; wonder;  because I can feel me thinking for me; I guess these are questions I would have asked, me, long time ago, if I could have, if I was allowed.

 

And even all that depends –

On how happy you want to be - -

What will make you the happiest when you see - -

Our minds are more powerful than we can even start to think of – lol – superfly right?!

And I am sorry if it is only me that can’t see how things really are - - not for sure, I don’t think I know. And maybe now, because of what Dave did to me, how he treated my mind –like it didn’t matter because I couldn’t figure it out, what he was doing to me, how he was destroying my mind from me, and raping my body that maybe now I can never know for sure or maybe I can; depends on who I want to be when I now see.

He thought I would never figure it out because of all the manipulation that he knew how to do to me – – so it didn’t matter, so it didn’t matter what he did to me - - because I would never figure it out, so he felt then it was okay for him to do what he did to me - - because I would never figure it out - -because of all the abuse that he did to me -- - asshole - -

  - - see the circle - -the circle of abuse - - round and round – my life lost and it didn’t even matter - -

- -  Now that I have - - I want my life back --

 

and maybe that is why I also write this - - because maybe I am broken now. And this is the only way I can see to fix this, to fix me, to heal me, to make me whole again; with my mind and my body for me.

And if this is just from self-love, all this happiness – in that I can believe in me - - no matter what - - and it’s okay. Wow – it is incredible because all I should be able to feel is only sad

Guilt. That is what also they do. to keep us still. to never leave. They put their guilt unto us, and maybe because we once were strong - - that is what we are feeling guilty about –  - is ourselves for not being strong - - -

 – and left when we had the chance to; that one last decision that we failed to do , , because you are made to only feel his love for you is greater than our own. But our guilt is not even our own – because that is how they knew we would feel. That is called manipulation by abuse 101. The game on you has now stepped up – to a whole new level of mind fck – that they will place harm onto you. And the sad or another sad thing is  - - - Is that it didn’t matter to them even – that it was even you - - they didn’t even see you, so . . .

There are different levels of abuse, of manipulation. It just depends on what they only saw for you. And it depends on how well your abuser is an abuser.

Long story short. Guilt is not one thing you should feel ever again. Focus on other stuff. And for those that think they are in - - please get out - -  and don’t go back - - what if you can’t get back out? And if you are unsure, of all of it – for yourself - -there is nothing wrong with taking some time to think; just do it apart; take 2 weeks off - - lol –like a work holiday -lol - whatever you have to say to tell yourself that it is okay, as it should be as well. - -that if you want to take a breather - - that it is okay - - and it doesn’t mean anything either way - - because you are just trying to find yourself, to see for yourself. and that is definitely what an abuser will not want; you to find yourself if you are with an abuser.

For me, if I had no contact with Dave, even after 3 days, I started to feel better, but didn’t happen very often. and if it was longer like a week to go to phoenix, – then I could feel more and more that something was wrong, when he wasn’t around me.

To manipulate by love is tricky; one has to have constant control of subject until enough manipulation has been done unto the brain (that is what is happening!!!!), and the subject is weak enough; to be soon controlled by their own. Manipulation complete.

And it’s not about being mad, it’s about having the self-confidence now,  , not to.

Because that is what I should be learning next, if I want to grow and be more than just my abuser. Because I am now learning and growing and finding me; not caring about what my abuser thinks.

 

WHAT IS MY ABUSER GOING TO DO TO ME NOW?

TELL ME THAT HE DOESN’T LOVE ME?

YEH – NO SHIT - -LOL

 

What do I have to be sad about - - it’s a whole new world for me!!! Lol

 

We are or we are not

And that would seem to apply to everything

 

I forgot what confidence was. I couldn’t see it in me anymore.

When you start to get stronger, and I guess I must wanted to always be a happy person , , because I sure am. Lol. Or can be. lol or maybe I just laugh at my jokes –lol-

And all I did, was look at me as I see me. To see me honestly, as I should see me. Don’t get me wrong; it was very hard to do. but so is anything. It is hard the first time you attempt to learn guitar or a new language. So is learning love for yourself, self-love; and that it is okay to care about yourself and have wants for yourself. No matter what anyone tells you.

The last person that should doubt you – is you.

And remember fun?!! Remember to have that too. When you feel ready, you will know, and if you think how can that happen? - - you just answered your own question!! Lol - - you will- -it kinda does, you feel better inside, stronger to take more on. Not sure if that is because I started to believe in myself, have self-love, and starting maybe confidence; or all of the above !! lol and I know I am still learning all of it. And I am grateful for it; because the only other alternative is to be sad and a slave still to Dave.

Be part of your world, not trapped in it.

 

I feel more alive then ever, but I can’t help to feel that I should have known this stuff – and it makes me sad – who wants to be stupid –lol-lol-  But at least maybe I know that, and it’s okay because it doesn’t matter or soon won’t – because maybe these thoughts of self-doubt will be no more, when I have more self-love than self-doubt inside of me to feel.

And these are not my fears but those of my abuser, because that is how they abuse; and if I can see that and understand that; and see that it was their shame they made me feel when they made me feel ; ; that it wasn’t mine to feel and to only feel.

Is that why I can try to pick up the pieces?

To feel a part of something; even if it is just for you. To feel at least you.

Remembrance Day today; seems fitting; to remember those before me that wanted me too, to be free

To say out loud

Not inside

Our thoughts, our dreams

Who we are –

What we want to see

And to see for ourselves

To Always learn and to Always create

From our own minds to make for real -


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