All My Thoughts - Nov 15.21

To be happy and no matter - as in no matter whatever anybody thinks – because it is my happiness and it is my happiness I want to feel so I can see and feel me so I can feel free –

So then that itself makes me happy to realize that thought -

 and to start to understand what it means or to start to understand more than me – and to get to be complete.; to see how or to then see more for me – for what will make me happiest and then the most complete for me and it is the same for you for you. Lol. Round and round having fun!! You can create your own circles of thought – of wonderful thought, rather than just the shit they only put in your head, to be not, to be not complete and to not even see. Assholes. To keep staying were you are because that is what they need – they need you to stay – good dog, obey; fck that. I am not your dog or anyone else’s for that matter. Respect me or fck off away from me. I don’t need your abuse to see  - - only if I don’t want to see and to not be. I see your game played on me - - and it is shame Dave, father - - abusers - - that is what you are to me - - - shame.

So it is my happiness I want to feel so I can see and feel me so I can feel free – so then that itself makes me happy – and complete (or more, getting to be – getting to enjoy my life!!

My way, without your abuse unto me, without your shame; to shine – to Always see me -

What will make me the happiest, what will be my bliss if you wish.

What is your bliss if you wish - - what will make you happy

                                                    - -  if you could wish

So me being happy for me to complete me so I can be more – so then I can dream again; so I can live again; so I can show you me; and so you can show me you - - because now look how strong you are !!

Because if you find yours and I find mine – that is two already now happy and not by another’s abuse; and all by just loving you – yourself – and that is all that you have to do!!

 – but that you have to do all by yourself – and it is hard – but don’t give up - - because how could you?? How could you give up on you now that you see - - - it is all up to you - - - to find your strength - - -that you Always have - - because when you read this and you feel a power within of strength and courage – of your own - - - then yes my friend - -it has been in you the whole time - - you just needed to see - - for yourself - - to learn how to love yourself; even though they can’t let you. That’s what it is all about - -

They need you to stay as their dog – that’s it – because that is all they care about, for you that is- -

You are stronger than your abuser or you are not –

But there is no not - - not if you see!!!!! if you see you!! Instead of just their abuse onto you. Then it is you that is and them that are not!!!!

Only you can care about you to exist

Get strong for yourself - - because only you have your own strength inside of you. And that is what you need to find, to feel. And then, it’s a whole new ball game – for you that is - -

Your abuser will just have to find now someone else to abuse (which he will and he will just carry on - -because that is all that he wants to do, that is to abuse, and that is what you have to learn to see - - they don’t care about you or what they did- - only that they can do what they did) because that is all that he is about - - that’s it – nothing else.

You are stronger than your abuser or you are not –

These are your two choices – to stay or go – and now that you know that you can make that choice - - how can you look in the mirror now and say no to yourself, that you don’t want to live? – now you and your abuser are against you - - do you see - -please - -

It only takes you once to look at yourself to see - - that you are worth more than what only your abuser can see for you to see - - because if you look - - - you will see more - - - !! You will see you waiting for you to be strong - - so you can kick ass in YOUR life - - not be kicked down to forever only see that. You only have one choice as far as I can see - - if you believe in you - - then believe in you!! It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t - - Don’t even bother yourself with that shit - - that is his shit to deal with to regret - - not yours - - because your only regret would be to stay and not live.

And I say this with love, because that is what I have for myself now - - but it took a long time to get here – all by myself. So if I can help, if you can understand my words for you to see how you can be free – for you!!

 

And part of me that I am seeing is that I don’t want to have any fear - - because that too I know I was born without having – only until I was taught - -  - -      - and taught wrong - - -

And yet I still don’t know what all this means - -for in the end – at the end of the day.

I guess is what I am wondering - - will I learn Always more? Is there a time limit? Is there an end to learning? To being? I am so far behind everyone else, and then sometimes I don’t feel like that; that I am behind, behind in thought. Because I don’t understand, and I guess I hope I never do; is why would you want to abuse you, yourself. Because that is what you do when you abuse me –

- you abuse yourself when you abuse me - -  all that time you have to spend, abusing me, manipulating me, controlling me but never controlling me - - but it controlling you - - because now that is all that you can think to do - - - is abuse me. And now it isn’t even for you anymore – it is now greed’s hate owning you, abusing you, like you thought you were the only abuser - - this is where your education stopped in learning on how to abuse and where you started being abused to only see that - -do you see?? Probably not  -

- because you got caught up in it and you can’t even see - -

Your abuse onto me is now onto you. Every time you abused, you lost sight of you. Because the only other reason is that you wanted to, you wanted to abuse me and your own family, by your free will to do so. To abuse your own family that you made - - that you created - - - that is absurd Dave - - that is absurd. How do you show such little care in your own you’s ?? to me, that shows how you don’t even love you - - and maybe you really did need me Dave; but the not the way you saw me - - for the way I see me. Or don’t start to care about your own flesh and let other asshole men like you abuse them - - because what do you think they are going to do Dave? You know them – you see them - - they are you - - because you couldn’t be a better man - - for the world to see - - you created more of you to hate - -

Now when you look in the mirror you can’t even see anything not even you. And you can’t understand why your life is so unhappy even though you think what you want to do is what you are doing. But if it is, then you wouldn’t doubt, because you wouldn’t be able to because you wouldn’t need to because you would feel complete with you and with what you do - - - and if that is you - - - complete as an abuser - - then that is you - - -

But stay the fck away from me!!!!! Because now I see and now so do others - - that if an ass is what you want only in life in your world to be - - then I know what it is that you have in store only for me. And I don’t have the time to waste - - even if you do. I want to create – to visualize – a better life for me - - and who knows!!!

Because, I love my life - - and I can prove it - --

It is me writing this with all my love to the unloved and the abused - - and to even the abused abusers and their abusers; ( that’s a tricky one to write to get the wording right - - lol – but fun!!)

Because I see that you too , the abusers are abused before they knew to be. And your choice too was taken away – - -and you too didn’t get a choice to be.by your own choicing who you wanted to be, your free will to decide, not just be your father in mind .

. but . . . .now we all see, , that now this is your choice - - so what is it that you will be? and you can only be, you can only exist if you are honest with yourself - -

That goes hand in hand - -

So if you hide and pretend to be this or that - - it is your life that is wasted not mine. If you have to hide who you are - - - then no one gets to see who you are - - and other loser abusers don’t count - - because  they too have to hide  - - and to also hide what they are hiding from you too is that they don’t like even you and will abuse you if they can get the chance too - - - - - - because now that is your world that you live in and hide in and are more alone than anyone and everyone that you hurt. I can show the world my soul who I am even if nobody believes in me - - but it is the whole world that can see me exist !!! can feel me even breathe, can feel my thoughts, can feel me - - can feel through my words to have their own words and to have their own strength - - - and soon you my abuser will all be not. . . not around me to see. . . not around anyone that I love and care about - - - it is you my abuser now the whole world knows exists – and know we know how you manipulate us to not live is the only reason - - because abusers want to live and that means then we don’t. they need us to abuse – but we don’t need them. And that is what they are afraid of - - that we all will figure out - - to not be afraid - - to live your own life!!!!!

Maybe an abuser is just afraid of that too. To be loved - - because of what he did - - because of what he did to me and you. It is the opposite of me - - because it is your abuse in reverse!!! I want to be loved !!! I want to enjoy the most I can, not be sad, not hate my life - - only an abuser hates their own life - - to piss it all away - - and now look - - you still get to see the same shit - - but not me – I see so many new possibilities !!!

So to abuse  - - is to be less. Is to live less. Is to dream less. Is to hope for less. Is to always wonder if I was always this less  - - - your feelings you made me to have to feel - - now it’s reversed onto you - - your own abuse onto you - - the same feelings you made me feel you feel - - you just don’t know what the feeling is called, because you don’t understand it, because you can’t see, it is shame, shame for what you did to you to not be - -

I wish you could see if that is you - - and then learn to love you too – my abusers – do you really only want to feel one thing? Your hate that might not even be yours? What are you afraid of? What do you really think you have acquired in this life? That is more important – than finding you so you could live.

Now this is what I feel – trying to be happy for me and all my faults - lol - and do not have to wonder - - not anymore - - because I am

(or starting to be –) happier every day forth - -even if it’s just a micro second more - - it is more !!

But it’s always a battle because of all the damage that Dave and my father did to me, knowingly to raise me and treat me to never exist, is painful still; but soon won’t be because once you start to love yourself - -soon their hate will not exist, not in my world anymore, not for me, because I set myself free, and now I can be whatever I dream; whatever I want to make real; and for me!!! And it’s not about forgiving them – it’s about forgiving me - - and I know sounds churchy or whatever - - but I don’t mean it that way - -just so I can be happy - - that’s it. I look at it all this way maybe now or always did - - I have to love me to exist with me!! lol big smile - - always wanting happy thoughts !!! even if they all have to be mine. Lol.


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