All My Thoughts - Nov 20.21

Why does no one care about each others’ lives? Look at how we treat each other? How can anyone say we are human - -we are slaves to each other for how we treat each other with such disrespect and humility. It is supposed to be HUMANITY

 

So, I am not sure if it was that thought above that begin this train of thought, but

 

I also wanted to say before you read this that I am not sure why I do this or maybe it is normal for getting over realizing you are a human that was only a dog. And I don’t know why entirely why I write but I feel that it has to be, and for me to heal; maybe this is the only way I know how to try and recover but am afraid because I don’t know what, not for sure, what the world is, because what I have told has been all lies; what things I have to then wonder are real or just fears planted in my head; to stay as a dog, to never leave this life as a dog. And the reason why I am scared is because I should have never figured it out; I shouldn’t be able to see what they did to me; they thought they were so smart.  And I was so dumb, like a good dumb dog in the street. But I was so less even than that, because I was their own private dumb dog to treat with no respect as a human, while others watched and knew. To be a slave and not know - - kinda fcks up this reality for me wouldn’t you think?

So, how now do I know, what is right; especially when I see that it is not just me; and what no one cares?

Then I had to ask? Why is that? Because no one cares about the weak.

That is how we look like to them; losers that think they are better than you and can bully you - - that’s it. If you are willing to degrade yourself or not be happy with your decisions in life - - then they can see that, they can abuse you too. That’s it, just a number to them; if they can get away with it - - why not - - that is their philosophy. It is that simple. One rule. The abusers handbook to bullying. To begin to learn how to abuse, manipulate, degrade all those for being so less than you and you the abusers are so great because you can see how to manipulate them and they think you are their friend - - -

Must be a crazy way to feel, to live, to want to live like that? That would be my question to you? Seems like a lot of work - - not enjoyment - - especially when you can just ask for a fck and get it done or not -  and then to figure out how much smarter you can be if you are the one that can figure out the sun!!!

to only live a life of abusing others – is that really living a life – and also because in the shadows you have to hide - - and to live that way you also have to live without love - - love for yourself to never have, not even yours because how can you think you really can when you can’t let anyone see you - -and you live like this on purpose – to hide in shame is what it is and you can’t understand that feeling – you do that to yourself when you only can hate - - do you see - - if you hate me only to want to hurt me - - and then you can’t understand why you can’t feel loved , not like the rest of us can, can have, can enjoy, can be satisfied with having and then to which satisfies a whole of existing - - - but you the abuser can never have that and I know you want to - - I have felt that, in some of you - - not my father - - a man without hate and without love - - a man that had a family for the only purpose to see what he can make them as – a mind corrupt from his own hate to only want and to only inflict upon others, because it is by his hand that he lets you exist to even breathe – asshole #1 in my books, sorry Dave, I guess your only a #2 - -lol lol – laugh when you can – lol - - and then you judge me - - judge me not until you exist in my shoes, my mind , my abuse to get through- - because I have never said and that is my regret - -

Look at me in how much I am learning about me, and all because I decided to forgive myself for your abuse onto me,( it wasn’t my fault what you did to me - - IT IS YOURS AND YOURS ALONE, not of mine to bear to hold onto) and love myself – no matter what I realize when I see what Dave and my dad did to me. Because I have learned how to have more in a life that was not –

 - maybe you don’t realize that is what I am doing when I learn , I am learning how to grow to be more, more than my abuser ; because my abuser never wanted me to be - - never – never was there a thought for me that was kind for me – only to hurt and abuse – to live and not live to see nothing in a world that I belonged to too, a world of how many and all alone - -

So maybe that is why too I go through all the scenarios of how the world can be or is it or is it that or what could it really be – what is at the top to see - -

And all you want to do is kick me. Maybe I can see more than you my abuser because I can be something that you cannot be, and that is more.

And when you start to wonder why do I go through all this shit in my head, it’s so sad of some of these scenarios that could be reality, but then it can be at the same time and as well as others; – right?; - - so then my mind begins to think of all the possibilities I could have had - - if I could have dreamed - - and was free - - not a slave to my father and Dave.

my mind makes me

and now I don’t know

what I should have known

if I was loved and not abused

and it seems like the always loved

only love themselves to exist

so all of the same just different

and then you can’t figure out why I can’t know?

My whole life I was told a hippopotamus was a school bus

 

And know I guess too, I don’t want to miss out on if there is more one can do to think to be better to be more and in thought to see to realize maybe answers that lie that no one can see - - because they don’t know how to look because they don’t know how to feel. And maybe I want to feel connected to the universe because I can’t in this world; and I can’t find a way to get out of the shit that I can only seem to get to see to view. And it is all wrong. All wrong for me; but I only can feel that, I can’t see why.

And then again what does even all of that even matter? - - if I think this is the reality but the reality of it is that that reality is still even not the reality because I don’t know what the reality really is I am still guessing – so ten does that make it the reality even though it might not be because that is the only reality that I can think of?!! Superfly shit right – lol  but I want to think only positively – because I see what negative can do for you and for me it is not what I want to be - - to only hate not love - - seems like a waste of a reality for me and n any reality it can be or not be and if it cannot be - - then that is what I need to feel to see for me to feel that I am in my reality for me to feel safe and free for my thoughts to exist and become more than just thoughts in my head - - because now my reality had changed has been forced to change to find another reality because the one I was in didn’t even include me in – I was only background if to say I was eve that because I wasn’t because I didn’t matter and if you don’t matter in one reality do you not matter in all realities  - - and ones that you don’t know that exist??

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 - - it isn’t the same or the final or the end - - of even of each reality within each reality, so - - long to the short - - reality can be constantly more and can be constantly different and constantly the same all in the same time and in the same view of who the reality chooses to who gets to view it - - -

 

Example of a reality  - Or was someone down the generation line – assholes to themselves and thought it would be funny to watch themselves can make you hit yourself, make you abuse your own family that you are supposed to love?. And now this mess is the result - - because our thinking of more has sure come to less. If I can learn to love myself; what else can I learn - - I guess is what I am asking too, besides I want to know what was taken from me by my father and Dave. Because it would be nice to know, to know. Lol –lol= get it – to get to know what I don’t know but how do I know what I don’t know to even know- lol- its’ funny – laugh/

I don’t know why – my thoughts are like this - - maybe I am broken; but I am trying to fix and fit in; I am trying to fix my schemata but there are so many possibilities that the word could really be – so how do I know or why do I have to think of all these possibilities in the first place. Seems like a waste of time; is what this is? Me now going round n round from Dave’s hate in my head? But then I think I feel that, so then I stop and think shit why am I sad, and why still? Or why do I think such sad thoughts when I am not sad any more? It’s all so strange , but I feel it is part of the abuse I have to get over - - and it’s a struggle - - and when you have no one that loves you – to tell you - -

Is this what everyone feels in their life? Because they don’t know too and then to question what they don’t know they end up in the same place as me – wondering then how to get something better than this shit - - because as far as I see- - even if an asshole is what you want to be and believe  - - then you are not even happy - - just content - - with being you but not being you because you too have to follow suit - - maybe not as much as me - - or

Is that what it is - - you assholes found a way to inject yourselves into society so now a life of hate and disappointment is what you can be? but you don’t feel the disappointment – that is just what we feel - - from you - - from what you do to us - - but - -

I don’t think it is the same when you feel disappointed from us when we stop you – you don’t feel that you just feel upset that you couldn’t - - you can’t feel any feelings that we have because you are not human - - not anymore - - is that what it is - - is that what I am fighting in this world just so I can belong? And belong to then a world that is so wrong?

So then the only thing that matters is that I live how I want – with my happiness and to not let you get your way with me - - because that is what I see – because the world is full of Daves- - just becoming, already are, already have been for generations, , because it seems that all of them don’t care if they waste they lives - - because they don’t think they  are - - even though – what really have they done with their lives - - to beat – to destroy - - what - - what have they destroyed - - - as I see it - - they have destroyed their own world that is around them - - and maybe they don’t know how to get out - - and everybody is just mad at them - - instead of trying to understand - -

Just like you to me - - always judging me - - instead of helping me - -

If we are all humans - - then why do some only act like animals/

Maybe that is the question all these psychologists and scientists should be asking and finding out - - the reason for why abusers have to be so weak and destroy their world that they in - - because once you see this - - and can start to understand more than you - - why do only some humans want to destroy their own world and others want to live to enjoy and be more and not less – because it doesn’t matter who you think you are and in what category - - if you destroy to destroy - -that is your life and only your life - - and if you love to destroy - - I’m sorry my friend – that is called hate. Because to love is to not destroy.

And it is not my world you harm - - only ours

Because I see or am starting too how I can lift myself out of yours and back into mine with just a thought – of a happy thought for me to have to see then I want to stay with and not be less than you and come down to your level( your world) because that is what you do - - when you give in or do not stand up for you - - you are know in their world and not yours - - your journey has now taken a wrong turn - - a wrong turn into their less and of only shit - - because that is only what they can see and feel - - and when you have to feel less - - and give in or whatever - - that is what you are doing - - and it is more important than you think or realize - - when you don’t stand up for yourself - - it is your journey only that matters that you didn’t stand up for yourself!!!!!! See please and realize - - life can be more but only if you want it - -

What if I did know maybe a way to change the world for all of us to live in - - to grow for those who want - - and for those that do not

And for me to say this – right – who in the fck am I - - the one strong enough to say enough - - I want to live too !!!and the way for me to live is for me to shine and to grow - - I want to learn more about the mind and what it can do - - not how to manipulate – that is easy - - you abusers are so less even in thought as to what I see- - to only use the mind to hate - - then how can you say that you are above it, your hate - - when that is all that you want to see - - you choose to only see hate or choose to only see love - - and to me that means - - we choose with every decision we make constantly because we are bombarded with others hate – and that will always be - - there will always be different - - but it is to see what it is that you want for you and to never back down from you – NOT EVER !!!!!!

I see more maybe because I had too or when I finally could see that for myself that there is more than your hate - - than to live only as for Dave - - because that is what you are doing when you don’t stand up for yourself - - it is you not living and only them

And maybe too I am mad enough at the world for letting it become to be only this - - this same shit is what it is as when we first started as humans , primitive to hate and to beat. And it isn’t the world that is like this - - it is our thoughts  - - do you see yet?? I know freaky cool shit !!! it’s so amazing how one can think to feel free and then to actually be free and in a world – of others’ thoughts – to BE FREE – to be free in a world of others’ thoughts that are even against me!!!!!!

- - look at what I had to do to overcome – all the hate of my father , and Dave and all those inbetween - - and yet it is me that is stronger now - - not them - -they have to hide now while it is me that shines - - because when you have love yourself - - it is hate that can’t see how to get to you - - because if you don’t let hate in - - and not even an inch - - and I mean –lol-lol-lolol--- you can’t let even one cm of it into your life - - then you see - - how important life is - - - you see then – how important your life is - - -

I want to explore space, time, my mind, because maybe the answers to each of us- - already lies within us - - wouldn’t that be freaky !!! superfly thought right!!! I could have been a philosophest – lol – maybe I am - - maybe that is my part to the world – that I have to be strong enough to do – to share – so the world itself can grow - - to become more than pissy ass greed – which is only the greed of one that I see – is the greed of the one that made it so for us to believe to want  only to have a shitty life and be okay with it, like what the fck – I release the queen from me – I am not her slave anymore in society - - the queen will have to find someone else to wipe the shit from her eyes so she doesn’t see - - because it is me - - to show that this shit exists - - and how shameful it must be to be the one on top - - when it could have been all different for the world - - if she would have just had one thought - - one thought for herself - - and not of her father’s and greed for the world to be the same - - she could have made history - - a history that would start the future of what humanity can do, not want they can do to humanity.

Seems harsh you might say - - think about it - - we all stay in a world we do not want - - why -  we don’t even know - -

Because that is all that we have – known – to not think for ourselves and our wants - -

It’s just maybe frustration of the world we see - - because none of us gets to be - -

And it is only the queen to exist as she thinks in her world  – and then not - - because she can’t see that she too does not exist - - it is she that hides in our world to hide all that we could be - - so how can you even really exist - - because it is you that you don’t want anybody to see what it is that you do to us to not be us - - it is your greed and lack of love yourself to have to then have over the people you where supposed to protect - - not abuse not harm - - who gave you the right - - who are you? You are the shit. It is you that is in my eyes to only see what you want me to, to keep me n line with everybody else - - that can’t even see they are not free - - because only to be free - - is to be free of the mind - - my free will to be me and manipulated to see only what you want me too - - because I don’t need your greed – and now you can’t control me - - to be the queen for so long - - and to rule by fear - -

That is not how to have a world – not even for you my queen - - I see that beneath you – beneath who you really want to be - - what if you where free my queen to have her own thoughts and not those of her father - - what would you do know - - how would you save your world to save mine??

For me, I see, why have only a few minds work on the discoveries of the world and the universe - - when we all could be to find the truth and not just your truth and what you hide from us to not see to not know

I see more that is out there that we can learn to explore – because – if I can learn to love myself when I should never have been able too - - I know that I can do more - - and that you can never know take away from me - -

We are all part of this world this existence - -

What part do you play?

 

Second part to this to be added

Sorry this was so long –lol but I hope it was worth the read so far

 

are you free to love?

 

If I can feel to love myself in a world that I do not belong

and feel stronger in it than you –

Who is it that doesn’t belong

 

 

 

I guess I can’t understand

Why all you think I am

Is a slave to you

 - - - - - and you not to me –

- - - - - - - if this is how you want to be

 

Do you think it is you that can see more on this earth?

Or is it me?

Because it is me that has now conquered you my abuser

Not in reverse

 

 

 

We all want to be - - yet no one exists

 

 

 

Love is the only true emotion we can have for each other; for ourselves

Everything else is fear and not understanding                            r u free to love?

 

 

 

Maybe there is more to life than we have been told and only to be told? Is that it? We have to have the strength to find it ourselves ? to where we belong? Or do you only search if you don’t belong? 

 

Why are there so many possibilities and then none of it is real?

 

 

Why do we contemplate? and for what? What is it that we are contemplating? Because if you believe that you already exist and is in what you exist to believe and feel is what to believe is real - - then would you contemplate still? or different? Do you think then of different things or more things to think of to see to hold to feel to explore to make real? if I can think it does it make it real? Or is it just I’m my world ? but if you are in my world too - - how does that work?? Is that what we do then - -we interact with each other? We are interacting with each other but also in our own worlds of reality?

Is that it? And then if that is - - then there must be more . . .

 

Because if I control what my mind sees and tells me what to see and to how to feel - - just like my abuser did to me - - but this is now me in reverse!!!!

Ahhh cool !!!

So then, I ask, what is then the world?


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