All My Thoughts - Nov 21.21

And then I laugh to myself – lol - 

And then it is like I will realize something that what I said, but then it is like more – lol – it had like double meanings – lol – lol – and like triple sometimes - - how 1 thought can mean so much  - - how 1 thought can mean this and that and this and that and then depends on who is thinking the this or the that and then to who on top of that they are thinking and then all the that already that is that - - right –

\  lol

So 1 thought can really mean so very much in thought and in thought itself - -

Super fly right!!!

Because I will think about something that I just thought, like earlier - - and I then ahhhh too funny - - no way - - it also means this - - and also the this and the that;  - - but not as possibilities - because possibilities are possibilities and not nothing more, they are the possibilities of thought  - - where as a thought is always in each one - -in each possibility

Right?!!  - -

That is super fly kitty style !! lol or just a brain fart – lol-

to think in such a way that is more than myself - -

Well - -

What can I say - - it unlimits all the doors

 

But doors to what - - is that what you already know and it is just me that doesn’t? - - and because I feel that maybe again that is so, that you already know this- - but then again also not - - because what I feel isn’t strange if I don’t know what strange is- - because all my life I have been lied – love wasn’t love - - love that wasn’t love for me to have only love that wasn’t to not be love - - and that was what I was supposed to only dream of –the way they told me how to believe to then and to only dream but not dream - fckers - - because they knew it wasn’t real not for me to only see and they could see what was real for me that they kept hidden from me - -

They kept in my head an imaginary belief of what love is supposed to be for me to get to receive by my fathers’ lies he told me and then the ‘do what I say not what I do’ philosophy - - to make my mind then unsure what is reality - - but because love I already thought I had to dream of, and that is all that I had, my dreams, - but dreams in my head to dream that were not for me to ever see to never have - -to keep me in the shit to keep me still hoping, that it is love that I have, and not abuse  - which was the real and reality I couldn’t see - - because then they couldn’t abuse me - -  to get off - - that was what I was only worth off – for an abuser to take advantage off , because he knew that I wasn’t loved  - - and I was a gift from my father to others that want to keep reality away from me  - to also to never see what they too now do to me - - and a rape drug, they didn’t even need - - my father already drugged me to not ever see

Love – for me to get to obtain to have to hold to be to enjoy to complete me - - but it wasn’t - - it was what had to be done to me to make me not see how my father was abusing me - - his own daughter that still loved him and wanted to belong and was made to never to - - the crimes upon my father are worse than Dave’s - - but the impact of it all –

- and then what Dave did –

 - when he took that love away - - that fake reality – of 14 years of what he did to me over and over and again and again - - - - it made me see - - what it was that I wasn’t supposed to - -it made me see - - what they did to me - - what they took from me – what they did to me to not be to not exist to not have, because of never to see would that only be my destiny - - to not have a destiny - - because I wasn’t alive only breathing - -

 - - but is that me or them and was that me or them as always even when they were abusing me - - - do you see the question? They harmed me in their world to be, their realities to feel free and they had to abuse me to feel this and only could feel this by abusing me - - so now is it their world their reality that is gone and replaced with mine – or do they stay and stop in theirs and now I am out of theirs and only in mine??? Is that how you get free?

And not by forgiveness for them – that is bullshit - - that is more manipulation - -it is only forgiveness for you that you need to feel to know to love - - to learn to love yourself even above their hate,  , , otherwise in their hate you will stay, because even an inch is all they need for you to stay and not be you  and then they still exist or be in part of yours –

 - but to see how to get rid of ALL their abuse onto you - - you have to see ALL the abuse. and only I can forgive myself – I cannot forgive you my abusers - - that is what you have to do for you - - because if I do it for you - - - what then have you learned my abuser ??? Nothing - - - and means the same either way to me, Nothing; either way to me. – and this is how you have to see to stop the abuse onto you - -

Why do you think they ask you to forgive them - - when they know to you you shouldn’t - - it is how they keep you still thinking of them and not as to you as to be then stronger than them - - hard to see maybe – but believe me when I say - - only you can forgive you for you to move on - - and that is all that you  can do – you cannot forgive another of what another does - - does that make more sense saying it like that - - you can only forgive you for what you did or did not – and only to you can you forgive - - for having to forgive in the first place - - because who are you forgiving when you forgive? Is is supposed to be you - - and for what you didn’t do for you - - -

For them to ask for forgiveness when they know you should not - - it lets you think you have now a greater power over them when in fact you do not - - because they knew you should have never forgiven them in the first place - - and now they know how to control you even more - - by just saying - - please forgive me – I am sorry that you caught me hurting you - - it will never happen again - - but then we all know - -

So what you do when you forgive them  - - is show them that you are willing to put your life on hold - - to stop where you are - - and let only them grow - - abuse by manipulation 101. And it’s not that you should have not in the first place, forgive  - - it is about not wanting to do it in the second place - - do it to me once and because I can see what it is that you did to me because I said to you - - then shame on you for letting them know see how they can control you - - because love is not control - - love is not hurting the other over and over ; till then you can’t see - - what he does to you - - because you forgave him so many times - - and know the guilt you feel inside - - is the guilt that used to be you - - strong enough to see when a man was harming you - - so maybe to forgive is not too, not to them - - as we are made to believe to think - - remember we are the abused - - they need you to think like this to abuse you - - because once you can think and think for yourself like you did when you had questioned their love, was it abuse? - - they will just move on and find another and even at the same time as you to abuse they will want to abuse even another - - because that is all that they can see how to be - - and it is you that didn’t stand up for you - - when you needed you to do - - to keep you from being abused - - but they are so smart - - how to pull your apron strings - - why do you think you have to be told it is you that is less, how stupid you are, look at what you made me do to you, it is all your fault - - - - - - and when you do not stand up for yourself, they see how they can put their hate onto you to feel – to then feel only  - just like them, to only feel Nothing and be Nothing - - but shame if anyone saw and told - -

 - because I already forgave myself for having to meet you - - and am taking what I learn, to learn more and to become more for me - - more than my abuser can ever be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so stay my abuser – stay in your shit - - it looks better for me!!!!! Right; my abuser - - isn’t that what you did to me!!!! But I digress - - -lol - - it was fun to say  -- lol - - I don’t want anyone to stay in their own shit - - not even them - - but only if they see – and see what they did to me - - not to get a piece of shit sorry - - but to stop hurting the ones they say they love - - and see that it was all up to them - - that they could have been more - - - to humanity - - - - it is not you in my reality my abuser;  – this is what I see- - it is now you in mine - -

- - abuse in reverse –lol-lol- -can actually be therapeutic !!!!!!!!! lol – lol- -

When I get stronger against my abuser and can see what my abuser did to me – and get stronger from it not weak like they only think it can make me; - - then my abuser is not stronger - - - - it is me - - - and it is me in every reality that I can see or create - - which maybe that too gives me the strength to fight back and to see - - how much of me that I need to be -  - (how much of you that you need to be for you to be strong for you) - - - --because to be any less or to be less is to be only an abuser - -

 

Dearest Abuser

And then for me to see and to realize all the pain that is done when you abuse someone - - that this is me - - THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ABUSE THOSE YOU SAY YOU LOVE - -

That is what that means - - now through your eyes - - my abusers- -

I see you - - do you think you see me - -

Do you see what I am yet - - - - - - - - - -

When you took love away from me - - even to just even have the thought that that is what I could have - - and you just toyed with me - - you played pretend with me - - with all of me - - to never be - - to never exist - - and you hold your head up high??? How dare you - -

I see what you is – what you took from me - - - and I can see so much more that I am than maybe I ever was - - but because - - what you did to me - - - this is what I have become- - from nothing but your hate - - I still see how to be more - - and not want just more for me - - but for everyone - - because then that is the only way I see to get to be free- - free forever - - for me - - to feel - - to enjoy - - to exist - - always now

Dearest Human that wants to exist - - and I say Human just rather than listing all identities that given or taken;

Do you see - - do you see through my eyes and wonder why ? wonder why I can feel so strong?  - - - -then stop wondering and feel for yourself to how to live a life of more and that is just for yourself - - no hoky poky commercial religion here - - I guess you can say spiritualism - - but maybe not even that too, it is more of a feeling that is inside of you that always was and is - - and it has nothing to do with good or bad or the devil or a god- - because as I see it - - you have to love yourself first to even find the answers that you search - - - to even find what it is that you want to be or how you want to live - - so - -

  stop pissing around then - -  start being happy and let everything start from there - - lol big smile --!!

What do you have to lose ? lol – lol- if you are unhappy already !!! right !!! why not try it because it is free from me you to you - - I think it is really super cool too, though to be at a different wave length than a same wave length that never changed over time - - it was constant and boring and it is weird and I never felt alive, maybe somehow I always knew that something was wrong , but just didn’t have the strength or the will power to see or to understand what it is that was destroying me to not be - - - - and if that is for me I am sure how many more and again doesn’t matter of good or bad - - that already is irrelevant – maybe because I let so much of myself go because it wasn’t me anyways, it was all the abuse and not me as to how I felt was me - - - - that it just didn’t matter if I found my way at all and didn’t get to be loved in this life here; - - and then I think that was the moment when it came; a glimpse of hope for me that I never knew I had - - my last stand for me - - I guess my universe was giving me my choice - - finally I am given that choice!! - - that choice that Dave took from me against my will, the abuse my father of all his shame to be nothing more than Nothing to his family.  - - and now I can feel myself - - able to say to myself - - that this is it - - if you stay with Dave I could hear that thought - - - - - as if it wasn’t mine but was - - you will never get to be you, – this is your last chance to say goodbye - -

And all at that moment - - I couldn’t believe how I could feel like I didn’t care if I didn’t even exist - - to now wanting to try to exist now with all my heart and even more !! - - and please don’t let me stop !! - -

And that is when I confronted Dave and left. Not to be his dog - - and for the first time to not feel raped - - raped from my own body, my own mind, for me to feel better about me - - that I did the right thing for me - - finally - - I can love me I thought - -

But then the real pain was to begin - - to actually see what his abuse did to my life - - to what it took - - from me

But then I saw even more - - because that is what I am –- more than my abuser now - - I had to be more than my abuser to beat my abuser at what he was doing to me – because that is the only way to win – is to get your life back from them - -  

 

I am more than my abuser now  - that makes me stronger than him –that makes me win over him – just like what he was doing to me - -assholes - -

See how easy to put your abuse in reverse my abuser, your manipulation unto me - -you can keep - - I don’t need your hate to see - -

Because if you could see what I see and feel what I see - - you would want to see; you would want to live as you and nobody else and nobody else to own you

 

It’s only your hate - - If you keep it

 

Why do we think there is only 1 reality ? that is how you stay in their shit - - that is what they don’t and can’t let you see - - that you can be happy without them in another reality - - lol - - get it - - -lol - -

because they need us to think that our world revolves around them and them only - - abuse 101.

But what they don’t see - - lol - - what they did to me - - lol - - someone has done to them - - and they are so arrogant – lol - - to think that they are on top - - lol - - clearly - - you are not - - -lol - - but I shouldn’t laugh - - but I think I had to say it that way - - for you to see - - what maybe it is that maybe you can’t and are too afraid to look and see and yet you know I am right as I write these words and you read - - because you feel something too that even you my abusers can’t explain can’t understand as to what it is – as to what it is that you are feeling to be able to understand it - - - - because you are now the one only in 1 reality –like what you did to me to only see, and for it to be only yours to see, what reality that I was supposed to only see, because it was I that belonged to you, and therefore it was only your reality that I can see to know that only exists to be true to me to feel - - - and now it is you asking you  - -is it yours?? Are you your own master that you think you are ? and there is only one answer that can be - - if you know that there are different and many realities and all the possibilities and that how 1 thought can bring change to all of that and then to be the same if that is what this one is to be and are in - - because of what you did to me you already know that there is more than 1 reality, , , so , , , now you will go through what I did - - and learn to see - - what it is that you didn’t want me too – is now you , , lol – assholes in reverse to never exist - - do you see - - wow-  I do - - this is what I just did - - hole crap - -lol

Why would you think you are the one on top – lol - - see your arrogance how it keeps you !!!!!!! and I see that is not you that lives !!!!!! it os you that only breathes !!!!! and doesn’t exist !!!!!!!!

 

because you thought you would always be smarter and of more value than me - - to never worry about seeing me, for the me that you took away - -! And you think your dic is so big !!! lol – lol - - and that, that gave you the right over me - - - shame is what I see - - dic or no dic - - an ass is an ass to humanity - -

If you are not happy - -and you are unhappy - -what do you got to lose ? for a chance to be happy - - and then see for yourself - - how better life is when you want better for yourself - -

Crzy as shit - - lol - -I know - - it seems like it - - but it isn’t - - and I know all weird - -lol - - or is this again me just laughing and I am the only one – lol – lol - - but no, I feel not, I feel like I have maybe begun to be part of this world and now to start to feel part of mine - - maybe soon I will figure out who I am - - or will just my thoughts keep going and going - -

Because it is also so cool, because ; ; ; when I think I have just thought of something so super fly and I think that I can’t think any better than that thought - - but then, shit I do - - or I think I do - -lol - -lo –

It just seemed that I was at the top of my thinking, as to like how the best I could have ever thought I could have thought - - lol - -say that three times super fly fast  - - -and then I just get another incredible wonder, of what if – of another wonderful possibility , of a new thought and it just seems or maybe not – that my thoughts do wonder - -lol- - but like exploring now - - not lost as I once thought, maybe as to why I have to think of so many possibilities all the time, there is a reason, or for me to have to see to find out  -something that I still cannot think about but need to think about so I can have that thought  - then I realize - - lol - -duh - - because that was all that I was seeing before in my mind was only the thoughts that I could only have, because that is what thoughts I only could have and not my thoughts, so I never have had thought of my own thoughts - - and now – because it seems strange but maybe isn’t - - because these are my thoughts now and it is my brain and my mind all learning for the first time – on things that matter to me to how I want to be - - and maybe this is what I am doing now - - is trying to find me in a world that I don’t fit into - - to fit in and not only fit in - - but to shine as the way that we all are supposed to - - that to show the world to not give up on you - - because when you do - - it only will matter to you - - and you need to see that - - to feel that - - to what that really means - - to you - - to you existing and living and seeing and viewing and participating and creating - - - - -your life, as it is to be, that you want it to be to see to hold to appreciate; a life that you want - - not your abusers - -

 

Our minds are so powerful and always are - - even if in robot mode - -


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