All My Thoughts - Nov 24.21

When I first started this – covid was also first starting. And I was scared, by myself, and just realized that the man I was with, was not a man but a monster. And he held my body, my brain, my mind all hostage from me; to never see – to never see what it was that he was doing to me - -

That was the only reason he told himself or maybe that is all that he knew –

But as he kept repeating to himself that it is okay because she can never figure it out – what I am doing to her - - so it’s okay – it doesn’t matter - -what I do to her, my new dog - - because she will never know of all that I do to her. But when you told your friends that you were abusing me to not be, to not exist - -

That I am sure is called a HATE CRIME

And not just because I am a woman, because you abuse all mankind, all that you see you think is fair game for you to beat -

Because that is what you are doing - - is beating me –

Beating me down, so I cannot see – what it is that you are doing to me - - - - - --

Because this abuse you did to me - -is the LONG HAUL ABUSE – to turn me from starting to become someone of my own – and you took that away from me - - every time you abused me to not let me be me - - this is what you did to me Dave. And the sad part is, that you knew - - the whole time, because this is you, owner of me, Miss Kitty,

But I hope soon to be me, and I will Always hope for that. Because to only be as a slave to another, and don’t even see or know that you are a slave - -

It’s like a double whammy of how much hate Dave had of me to abuse me for so long.

So, I had started on my facebook page and told the world what David did. As I wasn’t sure if this covid I would survive. And I really couldn’t worry about it - - because I had just met Dave – I had got to see him for the very first time - - - I just got to see and meet the monster that lives within he.

So I was all alone, but with covid - -lol - -right, gotta laugh.

And then the city lockdowns and doesn’t care about the people in it – just themselves, to get away from it – and to protect their own. Yet they are supposed to lead and only to know how to hide - - -

 

I think we all have enough fear from others, from abusers - -we do not need any of our own.

 

So to understand how all this started is what I am trying to say and to do, so you can I hope understand what it is that abuse is and what it does and how it lives. And maybe understand yourself because I think that is what we all want to know – ourselves and how we all fit in.

Please don’t judge me, I am not a writer. This is my first attempt at it. Lol. And of course I am well, afraid;  no not the word anymore, but I just don’t want to disappoint myself and leave something out, that might be important and maybe not. But what I mean is that I want to try and also write so how you can see how I got here, if you are curious, like me. And I will try to add the pages from before, in case you are interested.

And please, do not judge me or any other. That is not why I am doing this - -it is to see how to get free – if you are not. How to be happy, if you are not. How to live for yourself, if you are not. That’s it. That is what this is all about. It is not forgiveness like you think. But it is forgiveness that we each need for ourselves – we can only do that and nothing more with that. That is it. Do you understand? Dave has to forgive himself if there is any forgiveness to be had, that is what that is. HIS. Just like what he did to me is his shame, his hate, it is his forgiveness he needs to get. Because the only way he can feel forgived of what he did, he has to see what he did to me, and he may not; so I can’t waste any more time on a monster, and so should no one because they can only take you away from you, and won’t even care. So, who needs that in one’s life!!lol – remember to laugh - !!

This is what I am trying to say – is find self-love for yourself and then you can start to see, all those that have none for themselves. That is what it is. Nothing more. And the sooner you see the sooner your life you get to lead!!

Look at me know, I am writing this. The courage the strength to do. and I do this for me, to heal, to be free – which allows me to be me and see that I want to share this. Maybe I can save someone from living a life of another’s greed and change fate from my destiny; ; to now Always BE!!

- - - - -

 

just one soul, one energy, to be it’s own. Even against your hate.

And that of Dave’s.

And my first abuser, my father

 

- -- -

 

IF MY FATHER COULD DO THIS TO ME –

WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO TO ME?

   and you are a stranger to me

is that what you keep trying to make me see?

How bad your world is - -

And can’t see –

- because you  can’t?  -

 

Is that why all the possibilities I see what the world can be?

Because I don’t know what the world can truely be? not 100%

And it is me that is asking - - So is that why I do?

Because I asked when I couldn’t love me to love me - - -

And because I learned how to and did it for me

And only me - - - right - - -lol - - lol - -

Is that why I want to know more ?

Because if my brain and my mind could save me - -

When I didn’t even know I could - - - -

What else can my brain and my mind think of

When I didn’t even know I could - - - -

 

And that I am not afraid - - or am trying not to be - -lol

Because I want to know - -

Is there a world that I can fit in?????

Is there a world for me to see - - -

That love comes first before greed - - -

And that is love of another to exist to be - - -

 

Miss Kitty.


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