All My Thoughts - Nov 30.21

And now when I cry – I cry for me - - - -because I loved myself enough to first see that dave was hurting me , but also to see how he was hurting me ,

To try and wrap your brain around first before all of that - - -is - - - IS dave hurting me ? – to think that in the first place - - - just hurts your head - - lol - - - and then you realize - - - it is real - - - this is what is happening - - - and to me - - - - wtf - -

But I think maybe that is where most people or I think maybe - - -is that is where they stop - - - they don’t look further into the mirror - - - and not just to ask why?   or why me?

But to look at yourself and realize that you are all alone - - - you are alone in this whole wide world of how many- - - - so - - - -

But I took that moment that last moment of mine - - -

And I decided to try something that I was to not - - - to see if I at least if I loved me/ even if no one else did not . . .

And I looked at myself and I looked - - and I said - -

To look in the mirror and see me for me --- not when you are like getting ready for work or for all the bustle that this shit life was going you in ---but I looked at me to see me for me --- how did I look? – what do I see when I am looking me ? how is it making me feel? Inside for me??

I am so ugly - - - I don’t even like me

I stared and I looked and just looked at me

Why would I say that about me? That I can’t even like myself???? The moment I guess . . . .

And I looked - - and I stared and I looked and I didn’t let go of my last look - - - - until I knew that I would look again -  - -

And try to see me - - - because to give up like he wants me to do - - - - solves all problems but mine to do - -

And it wasn’t easy - - it was very hard and still is - - - to not be sad - - - when that was the only real emotion that I had - - -

And all because

My father decided to handicap his children in life - -  before him now to live no more instead of being a man and to raise with love and more - - - and not for himself to only live- - - - - if my mother would have stood even once for herself - - - -

But I think that is the decision that she made to herself - - - to die inside and only breathe - - - -- when she looked with her last breathe to be her or to be her no more but at least she maybe thought – I could still breathe-------but not realizing ---- that is all that she will do ---and with her last too -- -

 And no one gets to live - - - abuse can only come back around - - -

That is what you abusers don’t understand

About abuse

 You understand greed - - - - but not abuse

Not how it is on you now - - but - - like you made me not see - - how could you be 100% certain that you are not - - - because I know you understand the possibilities and now is such - - - because for you to do what you did to my world - - -you had to know that you could take my world - - - class 101

And it also shows your level of abuse that you do - - - - - - because the more you understand - - - the more you are going to do - - - - when you are a abuser to abuse - - - blah blah a waste of Time - - your Time in life too and you can’t see - - - what I see - - - and I wish that you could - -

Shit - - I must be naïve to still care about others that won’t

I just will say - - and then as we all have - - - the right to make our own choices of what we want to be and to see - - - - - but at the same time - - as I realize and learn - - -- if you fckin hurt me to hurt me - - if you want to only abuse me - - -I’m sorry you can’t think of something better to do with your life  - - -because really - - - - - all the things that we can do!!! - - - - - - to how to think, of what to think, of how to dream - - - and this is all that you can think to do??? and look at where you are at??? The same shit as me the one you abused to not be and are in at - - -- 

There is more we can do and I hope that I am proof of that for you  - - - - to not give up on yourself - - not ever - - - not even for you

 

and to give up in life ???? do you then live and to then live again??? Seems like that would be a not - - right- - - - - - -that is what bullies abusers assholes think that they have figured out - - - -- but it will only get you part way there - - - just as dave - - -and then to stop – and can’t see any more to get you happy but that happy that you are searching for - - - because now you feel that you have always been not

 - - then you see all that you did to not be you

 

what they the abusers understand is

that you have to be true to yourself to live

but they just now think they can be individual hitler’s in their worlds and those around them - - -

and they can’t see they are abused to see it as this and only this  ; ; ; as greed - - - because this is how greed exists - - - and what it has to do to you to exist - - - and in you

and everyone can’t see – or won’t or what??? Or is this just what I see as I try to find my way to the right world for me  - - that I can feel safe in and grow and learn and appreciate how to be more - -

 - more than just me

Abusers think you have to abuse to see the top !! that is your abuse to only see as too what you will never get and to have - - - - remember  - - -  what did you do to me?? To not have ???? love ---- because it was love that I needed to have - - - - not greed - - - - -that is why your greed doesn’t mean shit to me !!!!!!!!!!

Lol super fly kitty style !!!!

 

But this I would rather be - - - and learn how to live better for me and for you - - -

How fckin crzy is that - - -to care about a world that doesn’t care about me - - - -

It is not levels of society - - - it is levels of abuse and the level of the abuser - - -

Welcome to your world 101.

 

And everyone is fine with that??? The sheep always sheep and the wolves always taking to destroy

I guess soon maybe that won’t natter - - -the earth destroyed - - - or is that when it is just us - - - because they found a new world over the moon - --  and we can’t afford the price of the ride - - -  so they destroy this world - - -because why - - because they are not afraid too- - - or just so stupid?  But either way - - - if there is a new world do you actually think we all get to go?? Look at how they treat us here - - - and everyone lets them destroy the land - - - the land we need so dear- - - just like our hearts to see that to not stand is to never exist

Because just like dave - - and my father - - -they didn’t care as they knew what they were doing to their family - - because it was them doing it to us - - they knew - - it is just us that don’t- - that keep seeing through our own eyes in the hope that it can be that - - -  when it is not now that - - -

And you now – even more so - - 

I can’t sit and beg - - - for a chance of my life to be - - - when it is your filthy greed trying to take mine from me !!!!! fck you -- - - - now I am mad and the world – how can this be what everyone wants??? To live in shit because you were told what a good job you did to sit in the shit and to stay - - - stay - - - - -

It must be like this

Otherwise why then there is so much hate??? For no reason otherwise to waste your own life-  - - because you will never see the top - - - not ever - - -and you risked it all - - - - - for nothing - - - - -

Thanks for fcking up my life and thanks for fcking up the world - - - asshole bully weasels   - - -you have been your whole life since day one - - - - that is what it is - - - - that is why you are so good - - - - that is why I am so dumb - - - that is why I never had a chance - - -

Not against my dad and then on top of all that shit - - - the monster of dave - - -

So much stress is it not though??? Or is that just what you feel when you start - - - when you start to be an abuser - - that is what you feel all that stress to become - - - and then now as you abuse you can’t see anymore - - -

Now you are one - - - -

To make you feel important was your fault

Mine was to be loved – ((right - - you knew mine??? Hello????))

And the abusers know - - right dave - - the ones that are higher and above how high you thought you were but as you see know you are not - - - not more - - - less than even me - - - and you made me to be even less than nothing - - to be a human and not know that it is your life to live- - - - - -----

Why would you think that you can do what you do to me - - - and that is it??? No one will be able to pull the eyes ever you - - you are such a big smart and powerful man – blah blah - -

Do you see - - your own way to abuse me - - is your own abuse back to you  - - just with your wants and needs and fears that are now- - - - -

Right - - - - -

I might be all alone - - - but so are you - - -

What do you now live for ?? an abuser of your level??? When you reach I guess your top that you were only made to see as the top - - - - - -right - - - - - - -

What happens to you then - - - - then you just plateau ??? life then becomes so boring - - - - because that is all that you learned because that is all that you were told on how to be - - - - and you didn’t even bother to look for yourself - - - what kind of life that you really could have had - - - more

Remember I said dave - - - this is all you learned how to do - - - - wow- - - - I didn’t even realize then the full potential to what that meant - - - - - but I see even more as to why now !!!! holy crap - - see - - neat shit and scary shit all at the same time - - it –is like what if this is the world - - - then isn’t this what we should be doing?? Fighting for our homes - - - - the homes in our lives and the home we call earth

Why not try something new??? Why not try to just love yourself for you - - - and live with knowledge to be more - - - - not to hate and then become none in a world that is now gone

if everybody hates everybody ?????????

 

  ME !!


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