From My First Post To More

from my first thought to more  

Tried to put in order from when I first started, from on my page, my facebook page. This is very hard for me to do, even more so, as I am learning more and more. but also that it has taken me so long to be able to do this for you. to hopefully finish from my first thought to my last thought. What I mean in that; is that each time I think maybe I can pause and get back to trying to add more about how I got to this stage - to learn how to love myself when never taught; and that each time I remember that I am wanting to do this, lol – that I already had this same thought!!! – and because it felt the same – the whole thought - felt the same, in every detail---- de ja ve?!   And in that I already knew and knew this to was going to happen. Lol. But I knew it for me. lol- pretty funny cool right!! Lol. For me to know this – to feel it – to know that I can feel it - -and to what it means –

 - and as to a better understanding that the world does not revolve around me. - - but that I am part of this world ; revolving, spinning, renewing, updating! lol !! – that is what this is all about - - wanting more, more for thyself – to learn, to exist, to be; maybe forever. And all at the same time – being happy.

To see more than you –and in everything!!! And to see more of you in everything!! (get it! Lol, pretty cool thought) read that sentence for a few times, but it is a neat thought and also neat at the same time because it is in another thought, all wrapped up!! Or whatever –lol- that is what I see.

but my apologies. For not getting this done already.

It has been such a daily, hourly , by the seconds struggle to fight to believe in me and not what Dave did to me. - - that it has been hard for me to get things done now - - and I struggle - -because I know, , but it is so powerful - - that it can keep me in my tracks  - - stuck, but not stuck - -

Because I see that I am stronger now, and getting to be with every second in every day !!! That I can feel stronger, like I used too - the same but different. But I can see the world again, for me, to be – and to be happy in a world that now I can see and how I will play my part in it !!

 What a nicer way to look at the world - -I think –I do anyways; and I hope that is enough - 

I could get lost in a world like that - - to dream every day of what the possibilities are every day !!! with every single day!!  -get it, with all the possibilities that I can dream and you and you and you can dream!!  - every day would be a new day with new wonderful experiences to feel every single moment in time!! With it all being or feeling all new and exciting, because it would be, every day, forever!! so cool!!

Every day would be a new day !!! - -  if you let it. If you just believe in yourself, that’s it. That’s all I did. I got to love someone unconditionally, lol, me!!

 so neat!

I remember thinking, when I had already had thought of the most wonderful thought; that I couldn’t think of something more wonderful; as equal in that amazing thought that I had just thought of – (and I thought that was the cat’s meow) - - the best thought! But it’s only so far!! I get to have even more wonderful and exhilarating thoughts of wonder!! Instead of only abuse. Because that was my world that I was only allowed to see. And I hope in writing this all out, that you can figure out for yourself, for your own journey, , , for what you have to do , , to be happy!!! That is all we can be – happy, happy with ourselves; to feel that we belonged - or then it is that you are not; the only alternative is to not be, to breathe but not exist - - that is what Dave did to me.

But I see we can all do this, this crzy thing called self-love and get to feel happy, like we have never so far could, , because , , we were never taught to put ourselves first, to have self-love, we were taught to be last. How to manipulate 101. And maybe when you are abused you are always questioning what is happening to you because you can feel something is off, not right; ; but by this time, dog #210 is my new identity. And those Always Loved, had never had to question if they are loved – because they were loved and could feel it – there was nothing to question. Maybe that is our last bit of hope for ourselves when our mind feels danger and threatened - - it is trying to let you know, , the only way it (you), know how. Your subconscious.

And don’t be so hard on yourself - - You should never be hard on you – it is you!! You are the last person that is supposed to do that !! lol- see fun cool stuff!! When you love yourself and that you know or are starting to see how much more you are; and feel; getting more strong; and more determined; to get my life back!! But everyday will Always be a struggle, because the manipulation was of years, not of days – but I didn’t get this far by giving up on me - - especially when it was me that didn’t give up on me and had one small voice left that made me question – everything and gave myself the strength to finally to see me for how I was felt. That is important. And in those words. Please re read, and be happy.  

Given the chance, I think everyone can figure out, how to be happy; -  -  if they can figure out if they are. Sorry like a mind fck!!

And all I have to do - - -is be happy - - with me ,, but that is the tough part - -lol

But it is the hardest thing to do – when you are not you.

If you can’t get on with shit, even though, I understand, some pain is worse than others, or we think ours is the worst, --but really it is all relative - - because we each would still feel differently even if we walked in someone else’s shoes, , because we never can - - that is it - -that is what it is.. and the only thing that matters is being humble to it - -because that is all that we can do – is feel for each other!!

What are you waiting for??? To not exist???

Every time I kept their secrets - - I was only hurting me !!! understand please. 

Until I have no faults of my own – Can I judge another

 

I’d rather be happy and have that same chance to find me and to see me, – existing. Rather than mope about, and feel sorry for myself, although you will, and maybe that is part of learning. Because what you are learning - - really - - is how to cope - - in every environment. Not just the one they manipulated you to only seeing. - - it is just your brain learning - - and it is new—it will feel new - - because it is !!!

– my first post - -

Remember; maybe having covid happen; also kicked this all off - - because a possibility of death was closer and was noticeably as a possibility - - so , ,

 

If I start to worry and cry about what Dave did to me - - it is me that is stuck in that circle of hate - - which will become mine

It is me stuck in only seeing sadness and despair- - - because that is all that I am seeing - - it is not about forgiveness for Dave - - it is about forgiveness for me - - -for me to see - -that I need to be – or I might not get to be – if I can’t get past this point, , past this pain. Then this pain will engulf me, and only this I will see,,, because this is all that I will be able to talk about, think about… when there is so much more to look forward to - - instead of wasting even more time - - -  so much lost already for you - - -

How much more of your life are you willing to sacrifice, still for him - - and he’s not worth it !!! not worth one thought for you,,, whoever is your abuser,,, the same. If you feel that you have to get back, and might be part of the healing process, - but  - then look at it this way - - Get back at him by accomplishing – and finding love - -love for yourself and then by another! - - This will piss him off to the extremes!! – because he thought he was such a good abuser (not lover).. that you couldn’t recover.. get it!! The best way to get back, , is to live better. They do not care what they did to you --- that’s why they did that to you --- understand that --- if you stay mad or stay sad,, they don’t care – that is what they want, – for you to waste more of yourself –and for on them – get it – please don’t do it –because soon!!, you will see who you were before you met him and you will see – that you never needed him; ; ; but he sure needed you, ,--- to only abuse.

Again, so sorry, so long. Lol.

This  is shared because, I feel, that this is what I need to do, for me to heal and to find me. And to love me Always. And I hope this can help others or if even one !! then awesome!!

And I am not trying to preach, and please do not take it that way, I am just showing what I did to get me through, such horrible abuse onto me; by my father and by Dave. This was my process. In what I discovered about me, and how that it was me to be brave, so that I can exist; and not be a dog, a slave; when I am a human just the same.

Thank you. Miss Kitty.

What first attracted you to me David, was my strength - -then you stole it from me - - and for me to never be the same - - and this me, , is what is created. I have nothing to lose, to try, one last time, maybe to be me; finally, and with fun!! How dare you keep me in captivity, because that is what you did Dave, when you manipulated me, it wasn’t just for sex; which was rape; it was for what made me - - ME, my strength!! How dare you think you had any right - - when I could have done the same to you - - as you can see - - if an ass is all that you want to be - - it is as easy as one two three...— .

What a piece of shit to only be, , seems like a waste of life in that in itself. That’s what I see. .But that it was your choice Dave, - - your free will to take mine - - but now I see what you did to me, your dog, now again a jaguar,( a kat), maybe now finding even more strength in me!! So thanks.

There are things in life you cannot fix - - or by yourself - - - so deal with it the only way you only know how; the only way you could; the only way you were manipulated, the only way you understood. I was kept from me – and now trying to be free - - making up for a lifetime – with each thought!!

 

When you are and are not; is one thought still one thought?

 

What if this world is just that, we need to see what we need to see  - - - to make us happy or unhappy.

 

I am trying to put things in order, but it is so hard, my thoughts are just racing, so many possibilities that can be even for me.

So I will add this poem because this is when I thought of it was after this.

Do I Always Have To Look At Nobody Poem

Then, , to the beginning – lol. So sorry – lol -

 (before my first post, I had sent Dave a demand letter for the abuse, loss of life, loss of income of ME)

My First Posts transferred from facebook