a plea for help..
condensed inserts from a diary
of a child abused.
now a woman,
but StiLL that child
why is there so much hate
for a child, to see,, first..
then,, only to.,.
and to then cling on STiLL,,
to the whisper soft –
sound –
that holds,, the last of her
first  breathe.



The child sees differently than an adult   Why do we not  Understand that..
the rapist fahter does. the rapist pretending to be a father..

A rapist fahter rapes his child for all the reasons he thinks he has, but is only to not get caught.
Just as those as ddave for the harm they do to the child as it grows , to never understand more.
The rapist-made-war-style conditions and beatings to give ptsd is all to cover it up ,,the rape of a child.
There is no magic no god ability. Only shame of the rapist to hide.

The child is put under an extreme war environment and all done before age of 5. intense fear to know first,, not love,,, to then feel only fear, then love, to feel fear , then love , ,but the love is not even,, real love ., the fahter will ignore the child, then love only when wrong to do.
To seal the childs fate. The child will beg for the mom to help as the mom can only watch, hear the sounds of the cries. the mother now dies, inside.she can’t move to help... Stockholm syndrome.

The Rapist Fahter’s Crime to the mother , child , family , Family , and to all families.,.,
The child grows unknowing with the sufferings of being now trapped, the feeling of captivity is felt but not understood, more ptsd , Stockholm.. but the child is strong ,, she wants to be happy,, loved,,as she must then want for then to herself,,

…to not even understand what strength I had… even every time I said NO to my dadd.

The child can only grow Confused. From the sick diseased mind of the rapist fahter to own the child. And to OWN, the childs existence. what the child will only see as she views.,. is now only the rapists view.what he gives her , tells her,, what to believe .,
History of the rapist

from strangers to find,,  to now in their own homes. and only ONE child to be raped in the home. Or risk getting caught. the children will learn to stand,, even without the mom. separate all the children,, get them to hate, distrust also each other.
When the child is too old for the dadd to get caught with ,, the child is introduced to outside men, strangers,, I was 7 , he was 70,, estevan where we lived... To see if the child. Will perform the same. lines used while under distress that the child was placed into.
It is that ,,that stalls the childs mind. And in that sec the rapist pounces to repeat the same damage as the rapist fahter. ptsd to never know you even have..  so a rapist can rape.. a child,,
This is what you see as adults and call stupid to her, a whore, why is she so dumb to be treated like that. but you never tell her that ., you lie.,. just as ddave,,ddaves,, pretending to be my friend ., now you have harmed .,, me ,, internally..and I will never see it ,, not even , feel it of you., I will not see how you see me as to know,, I will never know then,, to see why then ., anything else .,

 you do not see  - how I cannot read .,      people

like that of ddave,, but,,he, sees me ,, he knew I would be the loyal stupid pet,he could read the signs of abuse that are all over my face ,, my tells for the rapists to know – they are safe ,, I am too stupid to yell,, I will only feel shame, not strength.

those as ddave,, now they do not want to get caught., and it is weird .,. it is not to be caught by me ., they already know I can’t see - -so then it is then for who then is left as families to tear apart.

and you never understand that,, that no one knows what they did..but how can anyone,, the mom will not say,, the child will not,, their secrets of how to get away with rape,, only told.. but your also raping our minds,,

The child grows hearing only one thing to her, that they care about her,, don’t worry ., I won’t hurt you. but they do.

No child grows up wanting to have no happiness of its own,, existence.. a non ‘life’ how my rapist choose already only for me,, my only road,, and unknown to me..You do not see the damage done., in the comforts of the rapists own home which is the child’s hell, first of the moms. it is a pretend family disguise..

You only see me now An adult. a stupid one.,but rapists see me as a gift, from my rapist fahter.and know I am still a child.
But what you do not see also is she is fighting inside to get out of what is now. Her mind. Abused by her own ‘fahter’ that is a rapist of her and how many other mens daughters... the degrading of all women he will only tell her to hear  over and over and infront of the mom.                 classical conditioning,,it is so much more harm.

To the mom from a happy home life,,because she is not used to seeing any fighting as to what she is getting now -she has no way to understand – as to – kick him in the balls – there is no schematic for it ,, in my moms child brain,, she was only 13, naive, when met dadd. he,, stalked her. he was my moms school bus driver on the farm at wishart to take her to SCHOOL - -you can’t be with women your own age?? – there is a reason for that – my dadd almost 30,, my mom 13,married at 15,, had her first baby at 16..and she is beaten in the privacy of her own home,, happy sweet 16..

The horror that abusers, rapists, do to they can control.,. everything into nothing….

You are so afraid ,, like you stall, it is like a wtf just happened ,. , and you never leave from there.

They are even so brassy. You can even read it in the university psychology text books. And yet. Not one woman is yet helped against the mmen that beat them up. A  Hate Crime Of Such Magnitude.,.,. yet if you call a man a certain word, it is a hate crime. but not to beat us??? We are our own existence not here so sick mmen can rape.  Where do we live ?these ‘lifes’ that are all then only roles that no one then sees – ??

If other moms could see to stop what my dadd did to us,, then the child would not be raped by its “own shitty creator” or whatever reason the rapist dadd HAD to give himself,, to then be okay with him,, to rape his own child ,, and the sickest part is that your dadd has to make you believe as you grow that he hates you. But infact. He can’t live ,, without you. And to fill the addiction now from his own disease now in his mind. He will rape other families girls, women, who ever. The name after does not matter. Only that they did it again to release the pressure that builds as lust and hate for then all women they will see . It won’t be as good as doing it to your daughter, but if you know she is like me, harmed to never understand,, It is like the same for them.
Why ddave kept me captive for 14 years and told me. We are a secret.
He would then be able to rape me while we have ‘sex’ and treat me the same way as my dadd did to own me. and not ever get wtf?? how can no one see… lies to cover their truths .,

If you couldn’t see me.,. the real me ,. , you can never se then those as my dadd and ddave and what they will do ,, given the chance to…..that’s all I was to ddave,, a chance to..he never cared about MY well-BEing.

I never knew    There are monsters  Or then they couldn’t rape me then. how strong would I have been.

if I was strong with family support and love from other family ., ,.

i only am weak because of my rapist fahter,, to keep his secrets over me ., so I stay forever quiet ., then ,, disappear. But i fought as a child. For the child to not let the rapist fahter do,,,, It is the child saying NO ,,, to the rapist fahter. And pleading for help from the mother, not only does the mother die inside ,, but so to , the child as to not know then, anything, everything does not now make sense..

now ready am i  to train..

Why my rapist dadd had to separate his family,, from the rest. And the rest of the family thought they were separating from him.but,, He needed me. All to himself.  I could never understand but i would catch glimpses of my brother and my sister., My brother and sister would degrade me to always feel. I couldn’t understand it , because I do not do that ,,I love them,,  and all I could think to see was that I must be wrong ,, they are my family ., they would not hurt me?? right??

but if you do not understand, dadd does not care about them either – they are used as pawns ., to hide ,, me .,

what loving family, would pit one child against another?? you can’t put the pieces together  until you see the monster…

I was so beaten away from me, to see,, even me.

and it was my rapist dadd,, that beat me…..first..



if you do not see or understand people and they can lie
You then never see yours to you.
Everything for what he has done —and to me to feel ,, always depressed
Because if  I ever knew     I would stand.    strength is so weird ! when you seee it can be! yours!!

trying always to be free of him ,, I stood up for mom many times,,once, at the kitchen table,, telling dadd to stop hurting mom,, I was so scared,, I even stood up from my chair ! my knees shaking so bad ., I was petrified ., but I did !! I told dadd to stop putting mom down..dadd beat me so bad,, I had to run away.. I was 12. already subjected to not only rape of my fahter , but by many others.,and had to come back where else to go..
I would stand against him not understanding though anything of course, only that dadd should not.

I will be a captive child of my fahters lust and to keep him safe ,,others will do the same to me and as I grow,,so then – they are all safe.,. and how it is .,. not even ,, one child ., is

how do you know,,? I can’t se you


If you know the lines and lies. My dadd told me. you can literally do anything to me ,, and I am free.
Because of the harm done to me.
I am a soldier coming back from the war. I am of 10,000 brave to fight A WAR not even seen
But i am not a soldier. I am a child.
How many of us lost to dadds that rape us. And to mmen that know,, his story.
It is us in captivity,, from what our rapists did pretending to be a father… how you never see - -the others , ., they can pretend to you they care and you will believe .,,

just as how a dog in a cage at the kennel ., how it can not tell if you are a good lifeform., only if you will set it free ., and now too ., from you.,

If you see a shitty dadd beating or harming anything.
He will. Eventually. Come after yours.. my rapist dadd beat us and how many other people did he own,, by no one else standing up to him,, and you are the adults,, how can then even ,, a child.. shame is not of the child.

I am not an animal
I am a child
Harmed by my own


to confuse the child. That is also what my rapist dadd did to me. Then you grow up not being able to read.,.,. Body language-  or fear to run away.     -where are we where it is okay to do that. why are children not safe.

The  Sands of Time is the Time you only have left in the sand to see…

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you new ddave was degrading me , harming , treating me as shit –

 but you just laughed too – and at me –

because what – ??  ddave did - -?? and you think then you are better than me and you were allowed to degrade things you then know not a fckn thing then about –you are the one that new monsters existed ., not me -

you laughed at me,, along with my rapist..    you are so cruel – to children .,  instead of seeing me as a once child , a human not trash , a child that was harmed ., you only see me as the stupid adult that can’t understand , life ., yeh ., no shit

as the child that I only am – …how you know-  something happened to me and when I was little-  and this is the help --  no one gets –even if you –  can even see to ask –  they only see you already only as ddave does and did –…

I take my car to the same place I have been,, I thought they were decent, kind,they were by my place of business, where ddave would come and abuse, degrade, rape me,,

,. went to get my tire fixed and I never saw it before,, how they saw me,,because also too,, before this I didn’t realize ddave wasn’t who he said he was..,,.. so I would be going over there for my car repairs ,, when I could have then gone,, somewhere else,, where there is respect as LIFE,, not as what a piece of shit tells other then ,, pieces of shit..

We were talking about just whatever,, and I said ahh,, I just want to be happy with what time I have left,, and they laughed,, but I thought it was a laugh like you do together - -but it wasn’t - -.. the one guy said,, just wait,, as he was looking at the other guy, and they laughed like ,, together  , I almost didn’t see it,, I just thought ,, they thought the same way I did, that they saw me the way I did too, like I never thought or did even question as to that.... I see my self as hard working, trying to own my own business, not a whore., .but they didn’t,, how ddave told and showed them what I was.,. I was a customer for these guys for so long ,, how it doesn’t even matter as to how or what you think about someone,, but to be so ill towards other people as to degrade them ,,and right infront of me ,, because what - -I would never se..

how do you know that?? how do you know you can laugh right at me and I can’t se??????and to not even wait till after I am gone to even laugh at me,, but while I was wtf??      I do not understand why there is so much shit in the air.

there is no escape for those as me – if you are raped by your fahter -- your life is never yours –

 because of him needing , lusting ,  to love you – in the sickest of ways –

you have to beat the mother,, put her in a war to feel,, to get away  with harm then,, to all the kids 


 he also blinded you to any truths –

about then – the real world that exists –

 - I can only se –

  -what my rapist dadd – only told me –


my mom - -stockholm syndrome already- …

I am that girl – who thought the school bus – was a hippopotamus –not because I am stupid – because my rapist dadd made me to be,, handicapped me,, – so he could fondle me,own me –   …his start my end…

 and to then – my daughter –  two generations of children in captivity –

 and how my rapist dadd was and is god to us –

 till then what is left of our only breathe –

 if you do not care about me – then at least see to protect my kids – -and yours – from mmen like my rapist dadd and ddaves.,                                      I didn’t need you ddave,, you ,, needed me.. to rape and abuse..

I was the one trying to keep my kids away from the rapist., for them to not be then me or grandma .,

but when you are only three still in your head as to understand people, and you do not se that.,.., you are forever .,. kept.,

I always thought people saw me,, the way I did..but no one does..only the rapists know I am stupid,, and all others keep me ..stupid..and to sea/


But I didn’t see it!!,, I was never alone,, only made to have to feel that I am..i always had other family with me..!!

what do we not know any more, because of abuse.

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was there really a war – or was it always for the purpose of then harming people

-because to not give every vet,soldier, that came back after - -to make them and their families ,, whole…

 was it to see – what happens then – next? to us? families left to se what they can’t even understand ,, being in a war.,..and  the after too of it . ,    … ptsd ., ., what else can you do with it..   war 1 was unthinkable – to all of it., families ., to have to be even thrown into – you got no way to schematic any of it in your brain as to a war.,  how you cannot grasp – any of it – there was nothing to compare it to – in these young never before soldiers heads .,

now, you ptsd ,, home alone with family trying to help , but if you do not understand it ,, you are spinning to see clear,.,

 how many will fall apart ., . , how well can they take care of themselves - - how many would beat then – their own .,

to see – - strength-what only is not left.

how you know that – to not make all families 100% whole after – for them,, there should have been no other thought ,, than that to do., ..

you just can’t see the reverse –

 -  their thoughts- 

for you -  \-\how come I could never see my rapists –  - not even from an inch away .,


to have vets still trying to get their rights – how can even the child now - -facing alone –

in the dark , in its own battlefield – to never know – wtf .,       wtf am even am i…

because if an army can do this to men – rapists would then wonder for them ,., =-

for my rapist dadd to do what he did- and not worry he would get caught.,,.

 how sick are you to beat your own child so she then can’t tell your secret that you fcked her – and how it is –

at the cost of every one’s child .,

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to not protect one child they all fall –

to not protect one vet they all fall.

to not keep the family tree strong –

the forest is now only sand.



smoke and mirrors

is only my rapist dadd.  ,

When I saw ddave ., lie –

I knew ., something then ., was wrong .,

really wrong ., with him .,

with what then how he was treating , me..

why I even asked ddave–

are you abusing me – ?

were,..  he lied ., the first lie,, I ever heard..


raping those that are already in the pool –

rapists made their own world ,,

within , ,all of those  that don’t..




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if your fahter is a rapist –

he will not protect you from


your rapist dadd hid., how they move.,


its why you can’t see them,,..  your mom already can’t-- and now your brothers and sisters

are told you are the problem by dadd --you are too scared to go to extended family --you do not know--

if you know how the mind works

it is tricks played on kids

then to not realize

when grown



if they are like mom--or , like dadd..

you are all alone trying to protect your home , your kids ,

no one sees you – only other rapists do.

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you will marry your fahter - -

as to how you ,, saw ,, him - -

without even realizing ,,

but they do..


if you understand the training of any animal

add hate and fear and rape and no one you see,, will stop it.

my life ,, taken.from my rapist, pretending to be a dadd ., 

where is the protection from that..

there is even no bulletin board to say –

how to even,, protect you from –

so there isn’t supposed to be any??

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what are your intentions of me?  even if you ask,,  how sad is that..

every girl , woman ,, has to face ,,

every time ,, she is trying to enjoy her life , ,

having to be ., fear of raped.,



you will marry as to your fahter – to then die completely inside..

or leave ., and be raped forever by those

as rapist dadds that are now ddaves,,

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the reason I started the store ., was so women had a safe place to shop –

if it wasn’t for toys,, I would have been raped more..

to be able to take care of my own needs,, a great benefit

an addiction that my rapist gave me to never se..

it also was a good barrier to keep me safe., no frat with customers.

I wanted to start a talk show so people could talk about anything .,

things ,, real ., and have some fun too, get some free prizes , but so people

could talk and not be judged ., I got all the equipment, but when you are alone .,

things are just too hard for dreams to come true ., or just ,ideas.

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to have to con any women into sleeping with you – pretending you care or telling lies

now the woman knows ,, every lie –

it is intent to rape, not date


Also..I loved to cook !!! (cooked since 1996, first bakery style business, in bc.)

how I was so excited ,, my catering/take out/frozen foods on Winnipeg st.

I worked so hard to make everything so nice ., and with limited money..

I made everything from stratch,, even all the soup broth..

made a lot of Ukrainian meals.

where ddave just took even that ,, from me.

and , ,taking money from me too.

knowing ,, he never cared,, crime is what ddave is

a walking crime., for those that do not see.

where is my protection from now from ddaves,,

you already couldn’t protect me from my rapist pretending to be a dadd.

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we grow up not hearing how mmen now try to use lines to seduce women, girls. and if you do not grow up with that,,then when they do, when you are approached by it,, and alone too we are,, your brain stalls for the first time to hear it,,

it is training,,, on us to not see.. to not understand.. why would real men say that? they wouldn’t,, but you do not see to think that. they are breaking down your morals,, not theirs.theirs already gone. it is a sneaky way to harm girls,

where are our representatives to protect from harm. they know women and girls are accosted,, every day..

little by little the abuse becomes more,, not less. where are our psychologists,,doctors,, protecting women,, families..children?

does no one care?


no child deserves a rapist for a father -- he won’t protect you from others—

all you abused the ptsd my dadd gave me

to not know where I am


what ever reason you thought you had my rapist dadd

-- you hadn’t –

you should have stopped,, instead of beating me more –

to see ,, how come –  I am still strong.

it is you telling me always I am weak..

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how can I know any of this

how you know dadd                               

you made me

deaf, dumb, and blind.

you handicapped me placing me in a war

- captivity.

of yours…

… to have to tell the fahter to not hurt the child, the child is trying to do, when there is no one else in the room to,, it will beg for its life to not be hurt, or become now owned ., like when your dog finally breaks down to learn ,, your ,, parlour,,tricks,  your not a godd dadd,, you’re a piece of shit.,

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there is more than only here- -

how that is true –

but it is you  –

that can’t understand –

what even more means to you.



to give ptsd to a child

you harm the childs


how you know my mind never left

the clean slate.

you destroyed the connection to improve

how a child does on its own automatically as it grows.

…not when you are born into         captivity..

and it is the same for all animals… you are taking it’s own species –

and changing everything about it ., now ., only for you .,,.

how we all do not understand ,, life as, it is it’s own

if you hit a deer driving – how it is you ,.., mad at the deer-

we do not see even animals as their own right to their own species that they are as to their own .,., existence .,

what chance does the human child have.

no nature – only nurture and if your fahter is a monster –

 you do not even know –

your life ,, is in constant ,, danger..

you guys spend your whole life abusing us

and you wonder why your life not much

,it’s not rocket science

you can’t hide intent – and then wonder why




I am of no worlds

only waiting for the

other to find me

then me be less,, more again.

my shiny knight in armor

is a rapist

and to not ever know.



you have to step it up !!

if there is no purity of sight for the child to have of its own –

all this – here,, this way of living.,., is for then –

no lesson to then ever be learned. nothing is learned

and the sight of what were before the abuse or any abuse –

will be gone.

when we are all born – we are born at  100% !!

it is hate – that takes it away –

-how everything is about the family –

no family – -no , sight…

‘life’ ,,if only as one way for all to have,then it is not life,

LIFE is then kept from All

family strength is the only way to defend..

against those as my rapist dadd..






do not let one child fall in your whole family tree –

rapists will not care if you do , they are hoping

you do…

all the shit and fluff that is in the air –

to not have –   family ,, traditions love for you….



you plotted every step of my decay ddave

when you ,, found me .,

when you saw - -I had no

concept ,, of you.   you knew ., you could have set me , free.


if you have FAMILY OF LOVE _

how you then see –

what my dadd and ddave already cannot


I was told once ., I have bad english –

my english is bad – the way I speak,

I never understood what she meant –

 -but it is .,   it is like a childs ., I am so scared.,

my whole life has not been mine and you knew dadd ., mom ., you knew –

 - to let me to continue as this way as well –

and you too ddave – you had no right ., over my sight to see that I am not in control of .,

how every dog, elephant , monkey ,cat , fish ,feels., ,. –

 we are so far away ., from where we started.  instead families BEing of 100% - now only left ., is individuals..

even though taken from my birth ., how it is – even though only one breathe ever mine ., BUT HOW IT WAS !!!!!! MINE !!!!!! lol big smile !!

if you were in my mind

and now I am in my mind –

where did you go then my rapist dadd ,.

because I hear you

less and less –

 - is that it - ?!

how you can’t control me ,. anymore –


I am now more of me-

 - than now only the




instead of looking only at the abuse –

you have to see-

 what came through!!!

cool right !! –

 - there is so much to understand ,

and it is the generation before –

 forgetting ., more .,

we are moving in reverse –

- to – only

continue .,


we are all fickle in the brain  without the ones we love .,

you my rapist dadd harmed the whole FAMILY TREE

of all that was us before YOU –

you piece of shit weak man to ruin the sight of children – and how that is the only way to see your families –

and history., important to understand, please do,,

there are others in the family that don’t agree with what you have done –  that also see you now –

….. because how it is rapist dadd  --  you abused them too,….

..and you should have remembered–

you can never choose against – family – one rule  

 - or how can then you be sure –

 that the thoughts then are yours –


and if you can only look at me to only do.,.,.,.,

 - then you missed then how for your

own miracle – !!

it is only about what we understand here –

as to if then we go –

to keep only doing the same –

as you only and always do –

and for every one and anyone –

to not see –

to double check –

is this the path you want to take –

 when it is –

there is no

going, back –./././

 and how you rapists pretending to be fahters thought only for me and those as –as to not be able to see you ,, you can get away now, raping your own kids., like wtf , . of all the things to be ., you picked to rape., fckn weak .,

dadd you took All sight, free will,, away from the family that you already can only show.,.,only hate to

your hate you had for us..

the moment you beat up  our mom


- to only think it is about not getting caught

shit ., you already are .,    the moment you did it .,    the moment you saw ,,    your childs eye,, die.

it is you my rapist dadd ,, that couldn’t stop –   not once and how many times –

and for you to do the right thing – not me – a child of three to se

how dare you use me too – as your scape goat – all my life only animals am I /.,

I already told you no and as a child – now stand for once – and tell me what you did – every fckn thing –

or don’t – it won’t matter anyways –  your lies are you –no truth can be seen now from every generation then –

where then there has been-  mothers beat..


to do so –

like how fckn stupid –

your killing the Tree.

it is not a man or a mman standing to ask for the rape to stop.

again ., 

it is a child.

but now ., on behalf of all that cannot





so instead of you having fear –

why not try to understand – just something then .,  different , than raping your kids. .and then have too to others.


This will go on for the childs whole existence and to never know,, why never loved,, as she knew she was worth..trapped in a role she never knew ,, was her life,, her existence,, now gone,, to only be,for dadds of rape,,


you think you can understand the brain , the mind separately ., when you can’t even understand them – together –

because how can you not see now – -there is no more doubt as to – is there – something else after –!!

no one here,, even ,, knew ,, I had my own soul.all that was left,, clinging to me.. dadd stole my free will the moment he gave me his role to play and for him – his special child with no eyes-  handicapped and from the start I have –

the moment the doctor slaps your ass,, free will is gone ., then what my dadd did – was steal it again  - ,, and then put me in  a war of my soul ., to try and keep ., ...

there is no way I should be here ,, and after what ddave did ,, to hope that I would take my own life ., because for him to not not know right – he can’t say that even now –.… he had put my life in danger ,, my existence to be , beaten ., and so many times .,…. and so many times have I before.,.

the will to survive ., must be stronger than free will..

 to think of it as free will ,., it is like your mind can get trapped ., it seems off,.,

as to your brain as to understand it –

what a stupid fckn question? lol right one would think , or as me –

but you never see it –

the whole loop –

only the circles .,

to have that as a question – then there can’t be..or at least one person doesn’t have.

and if one person doesn’t have , how long before all do not. the question itself is a loop within.because we are already here. the answer was already no , ,and before you discovered  if it was only one.

even the words, woman ,, man

how we are so much more

than ,, even only  ..


to know there is you ddave , dadd .,

I know then there is

ME !!

all my rights ,, back for me.and my soul ., can now , breathe!! now families can protect,,more.

from rapists pretending to be whoever they pretend to say they are,, fathers, boyfriends ., to disrespect one in the family – there is then soon ,, none strong. you know that - -

it’s not rocket science – so why can’t you stop….. –to think you can fck so lightly with the mind – as to not have any reciprocal effects- –or did you think again – only for the weak – and you still thought that is me ., clearly ., not.

I can say it how many ways ,, but will you hear it –

if you hurt your childs eye - -their own sight –their born gifts.. it is you dadd that loses then,, yours.

mine must be – stubborn.or too stupid to but to get to this point and to be only sad – then I never then did .

,, it is like – when there is so much to see to do to see again and try new things and to see and meet new people and all people and how exciting the world should be – !!  but you look around –  and no one is existing ., only living.but we are all not. and you will never se then more,,

if you didn’t see me for me ., how can you then know of my dadd,, ..the home now , , a dangerous , place. instead of it being of all life as to grow , to love , to learn , to hope for , to explore , to feel - - wow !! I am ALIVE!!! we are complete universes  -- all within our own self !! – no one will ever have the same mind ,, not ever!! that is so cool!!  we are complete within our own bodies,, our self! - -!! we can exist on our own!! - -that is incredible !!! – worlds within worlds we all are and then inside our own universes !!

- how the abuser ,, minimizes , everything ., so you only feel – shitty .,

you do not want to be a forever ,.. victim , you do not want to be ,, me as to exist, here.

 You will grow up promiscuous, not never understanding why ,. , that your dadd gave you his addiction of needing to have.  all my dreams ., not one.,

but I had even a friend ,, here and there , some one to show kindness, to me,,. , My brothers could take piano, we had an organ ,, but I could not,, my teacher,, she taught me for free.  she even took me to my tests when they were in regina, my dadd , mom, would not. she even paid for it all.. I had only two left and I could have one day played at the conservatory – bach, beethoven , I played it all !! – even star wars theme !! lol - - to play such beautiful music.,. I was so lucky.. and I was so good,and was so young! .,, and all my fahter could see was to rape me.and to then hide what he did, let other rapists follow me,, my whole life..their,, scorecard.

I wonder if my mom will read this – will she cry for me or her? how it should be for the grandkids.


when you are beat up by your husband / boyfriend - - you are now kept .. you can only feel ,,as there is no way out – and to then not provide sex after when he wants ,, how you are so afraid ,, to get beat again ., and then soon –

you forget - -you were even afraid – and , why.

when shitty men are using a war tactic on girls, women ,


-- even if she sees that  it was a line ,, -- but how many can she have in a week , a day , , -- everytime she is assaulted as to see if she is weak,, they are making her weaker,, just to have to do that,, constantly, ,to ward off fckn rapist thugs , ,

they are ATTEMPTING TO RAPE  - -if she did not see it was a line - -the girl ,, now raped .,

war was never of LIFE,, of existence ,, .

families used to be so strong – those as dadd - - would never be allowed in .,

they are hurting our intelligence..they already have none…

 how many of you– how it is not just my dadd and ddave. creating the homes ., for the girls, then for the pool they will live in after to not se –

I got married,, we lived together, then married, 3 days after he started choking me,,saying I am his,. and I was. I didn’t realize I got through to the 911 .. cops came – and infront of my husband said to made your bed ,, now lie in it ., told by cops and I was 19.. I was so scared.  in the short time we were married he broke every bone in my left hand, I even had to go the doctors because I didn’t set it right , I told her that I got it stuck behind the bunk beds, .,.,.,if she would have just helped as a mom.

how can you let someone hit your kid? it’s absurd ,. ,but when you are under distress and stressed as how your whole life is – inside ,., your mind can’t see anything – only hear your husbands hate . . but me ,, it just made me stronger., my husband beat me , ,but the moment he laid a hand on my child ,, that was it - -I had to find a way to get out ., but I had to call dadd for help – it was the biggest mistake of my life ., letting that fck back in onto ours.,but you think it will be different,better,, it has to be now,, You never think to call a womans shelter ,. and you already think you have no friends because you are the one so embarrassed., you can only feel,, shame of what was done.

when I was trying to flee from my husband because he would not let me go ., he stalk me , shot me , and it is weird –

there was one cop – that was nice – he actually helped me ., he followed me ,, to then see my husband.. I even took my husband to court ., and the judge ,, falling half asleep,no charges.,only for him spitting on me and only because he said he did . nothing even for him hitting my daughter..

its so fcked up the harm mmen do to women ., so they can own ., then what –? garbage – you took me from me –

so you could make me into garbage?? – like fck off.,

if my husband can do this to me,, if a stranger can,,how are you supposed to be safe? not raped?beat? just because they use the marriage to be a fake one,, so they then have one owned and at home?? like fck off.. for courts to not understand the beating of a woman and in the home as to not see how the dangerous effects from that are – where are we, where men only want less.,, it is not a , woman,, or a child..

why can’t you see as to stop –

you are hurting us–



the first ever Family School of Thought for preserving EXISTENCE,,


there are many ways to have life –

none include to be raped..

how many dadd did you degrade so they slept with you ., how you held money over all heads –

you had no right ddave to degrade me , to tell me you care about me and to then everyone else - -what a stupid whore –

 it is not me stupid – it was only me seeing to see – without harm. , it is you that couldn’t ddave..


ddave would come on his coffee break from his daddy owned corporation and rape me at my own place of business – that i am trying to earn a living with – I loved so much being able to serve such wonderful food!! –finally a bit of peace I could have ., I had my own take out, catering, and then I had the toy shop next door, I was able to take care of myself, starting to, financially,

– when people would say that the perogies that I made for them was just as how they remembered that their grandma used to do – it would bring tears, to everyone !., I felt so proud – and all ddave could see me as was to destroy what all was left.

the childs eye to view –

is the most important view - -you will ever own ., that is yours to.

                                            the intelligence of children – must be far greater than ,, adults.


I worked at canada post 26.5 years where even there there was no safety for me –

those that saw me – could see me there to.  – pretended to be my friend – while telling all others I am his whore.   there is no protection for those as me – to not be raped,, again,, and again - - by who then ., could see me .,

you never feel – any where –

only – wtf

I was one of the very few first women letter carriers –

it should have been my honour ., not theirs.

if you can’t get past the pain ., how any soldier knows .,

you , are forever , trapped.



what I did not understand then too –

those that I thought were my friends –

 - weren’t.,

they were never helping me ., only themselves –


but you do not see it because you are raised by a monster that if you got even a hug then from him ., you better show –


and in the meantime of all of my horror I would always try to be happy for my kids –

i would make a the whole backyard into their birthday fun !! – I would make our own puzzles out of fridge boxes so the pieces are then huge !! – right ! it was so cool, their smiles !! –made sure they joined sports as to I never could , ,only if during school hours.. They learned whatever instruments, they was even taking two each ,, the money it costed a mom on a single salary – there was no money left – I would work as many hours as I could ,, for them..and then you have a shitty supervisor giving the good call-backs to his buddies,, I always got the shit routes that where left, the harder ones..seniority does not mean shit,, if you are in a room full of..but I still did them,, I had too,, I needed the money for my family..

then I realized dadd was stalking the house ., like wtf?? I reported him to his work ., he would come to the city on work related business then stalk us ., what a piece of shit for a dadd , ,. he would go to my kids school when I am at work and tell them not to tell me they saw him.. like wtf?? and if no one tells you – how can you keep the monster out , .

the elementary school would not keep my dadd away from them –

no help we got –when my daughter was old enough so she could go to luther high school – it is a private school –

-they were supposed to keep dadd out – they never did.

where was me in all the conversations??

there is no help here …

it is hell for a child

it is hell for those that do not want to be raped….

a real dad doesn’t pretend to step up for the child.



its the ones that do not see you,, that need to..the real you , , how your abuser makes you feel the one at fault,, so they then ,, forever not..

it is not just girls,, it is also to boys..but if you want to reap the sick rewards of will be a girl.

I met a boy that was a man named easy p**** - - when I looked at him , ,I saw , what was once , only me..

how everyone was treating him in their bar.., . it was so horrible ,, and they were his friends..

you do not see it ,, when you are on the other side ., because when you are on the other side of it .,

you think they are your friends.

what dadd did to me ,, to take my existence from my soul to never BE, ME>>and all so he could fck me.

get out of our Family Tree dadd 

              you are poison.



it is so weird – how we cannot see each other –

or I gues s-

me,, to all others –


if you do not know I exist as to my upbringing –

you are then the one that does not then know –

there is my dadd to fear –

my dadd will suck out your ,, everything to feel ., to be –

how you know ,, you all only saw me as ,, the whore ,, trash ,. ,

I never  even cheated on my rapist ., like how kept is the beaten child ., to be only kept by the one then that has then –

shown to others then – that I am then – his .,

it is ddave telling others that I am his whore – his prize now ., which he did..

told me ,, lies to keep me in wait , ,for my end ,, not his..

and I just wanted to be with my own children and hope to have someone to share our lives with,, to be happy as our own family and you rapists took that all away -  for a fck –

how dare you… treat other life with such disrespect .. I am strong against you – ,,,how you thought only so much more fun then for you –   - is it still now my rapists.    still fun for you  . . .you fcks.

to only have ‘man’ in written text as to show for humanity as all - -

then use the word humanity - - or both woman and man

we have to have everything in English and french - 

yet the word woman to be





to keep education away from all as to be the same –

you can only then soon have –

a room of only old mmen’s thoughts..

it is you that is harming the intelligence of EXISTENCE


to never se any farther as to only do –

look at the illusion mmen rapists have to think they are

even in control – when they are the ones that

should know –

they have none


illusions of only of unreal


you understand ,, nothing

your not smart dadd ,, only told..

to see to understand how the mind can be so incredible !!-

and you want to destroy it –??  like fck off my rapist dadd.


children do have rights –

and how they should have always been seen only forever –


hands off . .

if you were part of the Family Tree dadd - -you would know that .,

you would want that ,,

so what are you dadd , , because you really are a piece of shit to do what you did

my dadd kept my understanding of things as to se ., at age three . . if you can’t understand people, in your environment ,, then it doesn’t even then matter where you are , as how the rapists then feel as their ticket out of their harm they do ,, to make them ,, feel better ,, not for the child .,

-it is the same for every lifeform you call – animals – I always thought that odd- animal,, seemed so,, low brow.

we are all existing!!,we are our own creation !! and you minimize all things to,, an animal,,fck off.

 -  to look at–  a horse running wild - - all the power that is in its own lifeforce to create all that wonderful movement –

and then you beat it out of it – to pull your plow. and then beat it to show the mother and kids,, what a big fck you are..

and for what?? how you do not  see – that is where your learning ,, stopped.,.,., that is you dadd,, not me…

to view all other lifeforms as only as ,, what your needs are for – you never see – theirs. then never more.

then how now you se humans as the same – how humans ,, now seen as animals –raped too,, from their own

 .. existence .,  

my dadd would beat the animals,, the lifeforms that exist too ,,around me,, dadd would beat them so bad,, a dog to coward at the sight even of him,, to pee in fear,,.. to see a piece of shit of a mman beat a horse, an animal of such strength and power,, you crumble inside…for the horse…I did not worry first that dadd was going to do the same to me to think about my own safety first,, how I felt for the horse first,, maybe the difference of me…how I had to watch my dadd and a child still am I,,how you see the horse, die inside,, how you both feel each other’s pain..not to give more,, .. a duck had injured itself and could not get to the water or food,, every day before and after school I would take water and food to it ,, talk to it,ect,,when it did heal,, when I came to the barn ,, all the animals came to walk down with me! when dadd did,, they all ran..when winter came my dadd said the duck he was going to kill.. I said no, I told dadd it has to go to the small animal reserve that was in estevan,, dadd just laughed at me and said they will kill it and eat it anyways ,, the only thing I could think of,, was at least it wasn’t him.. like to even talk like that to me,, he knew how much I loved other lifeforms/animals ,as much as I did me.

you degraded me dadd to rape me.. your so sick in the head you fck..

dadd had to separate my kids and me from not seeing us as a family ,, they knew I didn’t tell my kids they were step,, my daughter and son,,My parents knew I wanted to wait until they both were old enough to understand. my daughters sperm donation left us when I told him I was pregnant,,my son’s sperm donation,, tried to kill us,, the reason for us leaving. the reason even why work even moved us into safety,, but if you only move and do not have others around you that are helping you,, you are left all alone to try and fend off wolves,,,.. my dadd told my daughter to hate her own brother because he wasn’t family to her..and she did..but it wasn’t her fault,. how can a grandpa be like that.. it is so unconceivable ,, that I couldn’t understand as even that one would be like that.. I couldn’t se to see - -that people,, even your dadd,, is the monster..we needed more love in our lives,, not harm.. My son started doing drugs,, and all of this I did not see,, I did not know my dadd was around my kids,, I thought the scare of him losing his pension would be enough to stay away,, my kids now ,lying to me,, and if you can’t se to understand,, the list goes on as to the things my parents did,, to put a wedge between me and my own kids,, we might not have had a lot,, but we were happy. we were abused so then others can harm us.. that stress that dadd added ,, as to how he knew ,, I didn’t know what he was up to,, just shameful,,.. instead of helping ,, he can only take to rape.. it’s time mom,, grow some fckn balls..same with the rest of aunts and uncles that haven’t yet..

I didn’t tell the kids either why grandpa and grandma could not come around,, I should have,, but I didn’t know how,, without them only then feeling then it is their fault too,, and I couldn’t have that,, I just thought if they got a bit older ,, then would be easier to have to know..because it is the most painful things to hear..i tried to get my son help, got him into dojack,, then they kicked him out because the spots were reserved for minority groups,, my son never got any more help. he became more and more violent,, and with whole life,, everything for as to why I fight,, now my kids,, just in so much pain ., and for why ., so mmen could rape – pretend to care,, to beat me out of feeling that I can love myself and put my family first,, before them,,

 I don’t understand as to why you need to beat the existence out of me and my children,,to take the home you knew I was trying to provide for them , how fckn dare you fcks of shit,.,. to fck me for a 10 sec romp..? it is you pathetic fcks as to only think that is the greatest thing to do then with your time you piece of shits.,.,

my son could not get off the drugs,,he must have felt so alone,, to not know what lies he was told,, I hoped , my kids always knew that I loved them, ,but it wasn’t , enough.. you can’t fight so many wolves,, and all alone..


abuse is done,, a little at a time.,, my dadd would bring my daughter gifts,, not my son,, only my daughter..

you made my kids lie to me, to each other,, your such an a piece of shit dadd…


what you did dadd – was against not only LIFE –but also too,, deathe – why do you think life and deathe –

are not of the same ??-- it is you that even created it , , it’s not real ,, the things that I am ,, only for you they are …

intelligence is not then what you learn then here-

as to only then be –

intelligence is then –

seeing what not then to believe



when we are born we are born with 100%,,, of what is us..

our own self as to feel as to know as to BE…

look at all you did to me dadd , ,and here I am  STRONGER


my dadd degraded women so much to me growing up,, ‘women’, ‘natives’, ‘blacks’, ‘lesbians’,etc.,., but how he would enjoy though ****** them, if we ever brought anyone to the house that was we were told we would be disowned.…my rapist dadd is the epitome of danger,,and his work would put him through human discrimination courses because of his management level,, and he would laugh after,, while hurting , mom,,us..

car rides – if you only sit behind mom in the car,, you never see,, mom’s face ., when dadd then,, hurt her,, you only heard a little weird laugh,,but if you did get to ,,to sit behind dadd,, you saw when dadd would do it ,, grab mom so hard in the chest,, her breast,, but on the other side ,, you never saw it as painful,, but when you sat behind dadd, you can see mom,, for a quick second if you even looked, how her face was not laughing..

every time you degrade a woman,, you are degrading your own daughter to be .




 I do not understand ,, how come no one can see me,, for real?and why I couldn’t see others,, or them,,even me.. why do you assume I am trash? because I’m not,, not at all,, but I guess,, made to be only seen as.. ., what hope do I have if you can’t see the real me,, what hope will your family have to protect your self against those as my rapist pretending to be a dadd or later,all those that you meet.. To understand people,, my rapist had to make sure,, I never could..then I couldn’t see, how then,, I was hurt..

you think you are the winners dadd ., because you can beat up on babies.. fck you..


ddave was so much older than me ,, it was like reliving it ,, and not even realizing –

he was so much older than me – he knew how he could do this to me –

it was like being with dadd again ,, but weird because you look for that older guy as to ,, be a knight this time or something ,, but its not ,, they know you are all alone ,, they know –  no one loves you - you have no friends that even told you ,, about monsters   - I wasn’t prey for monsters - I was only release for them ,my whole existence– I never realized it..

ddave ,, he would get so mad if I wouldn’t ,, if I said I wasn’t feeling good or I do not have the time –

he wouldn’t stop ,, until I made time for him.. he never had time for do not want your daughters to feel this –

it will destroy them..


to not know this

to know this

to know this and to see then – how you then think – you do-

when it is-

you - less than me to.,.

how to only se of all that is only

how you too - - then ,.,, only -

it might be good enough for you abusers, rapists,, but I want MORE! it is you that can’t


because a guy says to other guys – look at what I did to that bitch ,, and you laugh with the guy –

whether the girl was there or not – that is assault onto her –

just because she can’t hear you – does not make it any less harmful

,, how it is ..more..

and what you men do not se from ddaves eyes is –

when those as ddave says that to another guy and the other guy is a rapist as well,,

they will both rejoice in the act that was done now unto the girl,,

if it is a guy that isn’t a rapist ,, but how you will laugh and joke along .,

ddave just told you his crime,, what he did to her—not her crime - -,, his..


it doesn’t matter what you think of the girl,, whether she is a whore or not ,,but because ddave said she was , that is all you cared about ,, and how you all laugh ,, at her,, then you smile to her ,, instead of saying – you know ddave just said he abused you , do you think you are dating?? because he does not think that of you..But no help to the woman, the child that is still only of her . , ,,,and what you coward men do not se—he is also laughing at you – because he knows,, you have children..--and you,, won’t see the rapist when the rapist comes knocking..


who did it ,,the first ever rape of their own child ,.,  it is not an honor,, it is sick.

my life is mine,, not pieces of coward shit..

if good fathers won’t say to other mmen that are rapists ,,to stop-  what chance does a child have.

for every reason you think you have to harm a child – I will tell you why not to.

how come you need to be told ,, to not be a rapist.


I didn’t have  a lot of money but I would learn all the work myself on the house to make it a nice home for us,, I did siding, roofing, built an addition, built a cool bed in the wall for my son,, built stairs that curved,, the list is long, , I was never sad,, as I guess I should have been , ,i still had my health!! lol – I had no time to be sad really,, as a single mom,, your time is driving them to their activities,,, or to work, but when I couldn’t see it was dadd causing all the stress for us as a family ,, it broke me, that my kids and me,, not strong, as I thought we were.     .i wish I would have been stronger.,.,


ddave knew he was abusing my life from me,, he thereby also endangered my kids- -

every time he hurt me, degraded me ,, my kids had less of me .,.,. ddave knew of things I had even told him of what my dadd had done ., it must have made him excited to hear,, from a child that was raped by another monster,, your sick ddave not a real man.,,because for you to harm me after I had told you.,. like wtf is then wrong with your head ddave..


and you grow up not trusting women because mom never helped,, you do not realize the implant that puts in your mind.

my rapist ddad is a coward,, he couldn’t even face me as a child..

he had to turn my eyes to glass..



it is like all your schematics are wrong,, for when how you view too,,

you do not see your fighting ,., what already is – here..

you think it is just you,, alone,, no one tells you anything ,, else,


all the hate in family;;when there should have been none


for the g to keep women and their children to suffer at less pay,, they then have to work more,, monsters let to get in..

I would have been better off on welfare - -at least I could have always been there to see –

when my dadd,, was stalking next,, my kids.. why did I go to work for,, so then my dadd had a chance to harm then my kids,., like wtf , is wrong with ,, here..There was no way he was going to let my kids go free,, when my sisters were where already just do not see hate – until you have to see it in your own fahter – how much anger is of my rapist dadd..         my dadd would yell at his brothers and sister for telling us anything about him when he was young

even about how his dad dies,, under circumstances , when dadd was a young adult..

if you keep secrets of the bullies and especially from your own family – they will never know -they should fear them .,

if the grandkids never hear that grandpa beat up grandma,, the pain will only continue..dadd would beat up my mom so bad ,, she lost a child at birth.,. after that ,, he didn’t beat her ,, not in the stomach ., the abuser learns..

it is the victims to never do ,, we do not even understand ., wtf - -of anything –

 but me – how strong – to fight all by myself,, to show my kids that even although only the three of us,, we can still be a family –

how my dadd,, hated that..

mom married at 15, first baby at 16,, instead of getting her license, she is beaten in her own home,, not a happy 16th birthday for no she away from her parents love.,.

mom,, its time to grow some balls…dadd wouldn’t let you see your own parents for their last words to you mom,, when are you going to see,, your protecting a rapist,, he needs you to be ,, forever weak.. 

that alone is so much shame in that to ever lay one hand on you mom,, dadd never should have,, not fckn ever,,, no excuse warrants it,, only then to abuse..

it’s you brother that forgot that dadd beat all of us..all you are to dadd is his cover up,, you where never even home after,, when you were told you where to be a priest at 12,, I was supposed to be a nun or get married…to cover even more,,


we are all so much more ,, than even only told,,

we are all so much more,,  told only less,, to be then,, less…..

for me,, to never know how powerful our minds are,, that we are actually all so incredible !! that no one can think like you can,, not one other person ,, not ever!! – like how cool is that!! to not ever feel that or to know that growing up,, that is just a horror – how come not everyone feels that – because we all should and deserve that right to.


we have no safety at  a job anymore,, families are stuck,, with paid so less, unions, not even strong anymore ., because who are they protecting now ?? it is not the family.,to be safe.. no safety from rapists either..

so who is there to protect a child,

the child is not born to be has to undergo tremendous torture of its little born weak sensitive mind,,

when even a woman is, a stranger breaks into her home, the rapist will have to force himself upon her. now,, this is done to a child.. I was born with my own destiny,, not to be my rapist fathers lust child to be then gifted to then those as ddave..its just fckn sick,, there is no excuse..why did you have to do this to me dadd, your the coward ,, from all other parents – that do not rape their own kids,,


what is real

and what isn’t


what is true

and what isn’t


what can goals be

for the soul


how that then – can only – then BE and matter

how nothing else here – does


not even now

each other


thanks to the rapist of us BEing whole.


I just want to learn more !! I had many lifetimes of hate..I want one possibility of love

no one is trash,, only made into

no life should ever be seen, as

not to know how special you really are


to not share my memories

in the family tree is my dadd

to beat me away to never say


to teach kids to lie

to cover up your crimes

you taught all kids to lie to each other in even a family –

that is what you did dadd

you taught your kids to lie so you could hide

now all these as my brother and sister –

how it is them I meet in the street –

how they see me –

just as my own brother and sister did –

 because of the lies told only by a rapist


deception put onto the child

put onto the home                                                just stop dadd.

put into the street


why are we made the way we are –  - as to grow from baby to child –!! – like has no one ever wondered that ?

 and if you already understand the mind as such an incredible entity all on its own !! – right !!-  then why are we so helpless for so long when we are young?  to be dependent on then ,,

having existence rights first to all to see –

where you cannot harm the childs mind from assholes like my dadd.. that think they are king of shit –.,,. you made your own blood stupid ,, so you could rape – nature no where –forgives that –


I do not understand how I can now see,, but the only explanation I can give – is when ddave was leading me to my grave.

the depression ,, to realize that ddave is not who he says he is – all these years – you have been lied to – and about everything – and you do not understand what is up or down or what then is even happening –

and you begin –      to shut down

because if he never loved you all these years and he kept you then from your own happiness then to have -

it was always then – rape – so now - -you also have that to deal with – realizing ,,, over and over and to your face – and your like – instant – suicidal –

you do not even se – even the fuzz  that was once in your head -now you can see that was what that was – and it is even now – gone – and it is complete – emptiness-  you are looking into completely - -darkness –but  it is not dark – it is not black – it is just nothing is there-  - how many,, has come back ., from that ., .

when you want to die – when you see - -you just can’t go on – knowing – that you are never loved – you do not even care – how it will be – only –,, only now near. .

because if you are in the state that I am in – the complete melt down of all my own understanding –you are already past the pre-suicide where you now know you can’t live on after what ddave did , ,you can’t show your face , anywhere – how can you , ,your rapist walks free and to your face,, and you know,, he told others what he did,,,, all these years of my life ,, gone ,., for him to rape me , ,it is not he got to have sex with me ,, those he did to other women , ,but me ,,, he could rape..he knew he was stealing ,, time,, from me,, my time ,, to then be happy , and now never after him… At this point ,, I only understood as much as,, this was the beginning of how I became strong,, after I died, or almost did with my last breath that was still of my first..,

I wanted to see myself ,, for real , how I looked in the mirror – could I love me ,, even though no body else did – and I couldn’t believe it – the answer was yes,, when I had already believed,,the answer was no.

It wasn’t me telling me i could ,, I already told myself I couldn’t – so then ,, what was it ,, that gave me ,, strength.

my recovery too, all alone., my existence only a life so my rapist pretending to be a father can rape all that is of me.

what are we - -because the rest of us ,,we are all so cool!! –

your also raping our minds,, our intelligence then must be so much different - -we are the warriors ., you are not ., ,.

look at how you spent your whole life,,

making me.,.,.,. weaker.,. it took 14 years ddave for you to do it ..should have been easier than that for you .,,.When I met you ,, I was at my strongest I had been for a long time., but also at my weakest..

all the time you had to invest in me,, all your stalking ddave of me,,of all the lies,, all the time on the phone .,all the crappy sex., like you must not think much of your life., way before you hated ,, mine.,

you owe me,., ONE EXISTENCE.mine of my own




the child , losing its environment


to know the mind can be so fragile

and to have not all that exists

Understand that  - …

how it is then

to keep then

all life then

only as

not life

but only ,, as..close to,, but not of.

not of then,, their own…

who is even alive as to

know as to Understand –

because if you are,.,.alive

as to if you think you are

,,you do not

pick then a side..

if you do – your not alive –

you only playing a role –

 only just as was i.

but me, to never know.

to not know I exist

as I do - - what is me,, inside,,

- do you then ? are you real as you believe then you are?

or are you

only as .. if.

you were


to only look out –

with glass covered eyes.

how did my voice sound - -

before it was beat ,

how was I to hear ,

before I was deaf ,

what was the soul of me –

before my rapist,,my dadd

took it all from me.

you handicapped my sight of me and to then all others I can not see, only was me ,, with the one-dimensional view ,, because I did not se – it was me ,, trapped ,, by you –

 - by what ever you said –

I believed - -and I never saw ,, no others .,, disagree..





if the brain and the mind can be so powerful !!! – as to how I overcame you dadd –

because how it is dadd – you missed ,, everything as to understand – about –what you think you know –

 - just as to how you thought - only me –but it is you – the left shoe.

--your not powerful dadd – you only made me had rape me..but i fought back..when I could..


there is so much – that is that we all forgot – and it is about family strength-

do not leave - - one child to the wolf ., protect all – or there will be none ., no child left of their own capabilities –

as to understand – what is more than only this-  -

I am understanding for those as me that can’t –

we need other families to see –

we are getting harmed –

and it really does kill your soul .,

but what you forget to see is –

for a dadd to do that ,, he already ,, hated,, the mom..he knew ahead of time ., what he would have to do to the mom to beat her down ,, so then she couldn’t then , stop him – mom was the last defense..

 and look around all you watch ,,women are degraded on tv ., you just do not see the dadd raping,,,

where are we ?   where life is so cheap. you forget how incredible instead we all are -!!

stop raping your kids,, you think you have some kind of weird sight .,. but you don’t – you do not se –

you are a rapist first dadd…,.,., you can’t be nothing now more..your not even a real dad..

you can’t look in the mirror..     how do you think I got to see ,,you…


we are so incredible ! we are not only of our own minds and brain and body - -but we are our own universes –

each our own!!- it is so cool – !!

once you tear away the layers of abuse !! –all that is left is ,,Understanding..!!!-

cool right !!-and it is !! – it is like – seeing heaven.,,it may be not real here.,but I know at least now –somewhere else- -there is..!!

because I always believed in a love of being happy,,– and if this is what I can still feel and even after all of this pain -!!

I must be then   what I am!! –stronger to fight for my name.    not the one you gave me dadd - the one mom did..Treena.

you made me hate even my own name. and all for what so you can fck me ., shameful.,

because you rapist dadd will never se as to what can your brain really do !! –

if I can se you and not be afraid – then you are not then – scary – only a scary piece of shit…

your just old men with addictions,, giving them to your kids – babies..

your just fckn ,, weak .,    your not kings- ..and you fckn don’t own me..

we all have the right to feel incredible !!-as all life should get to be !!-


- - - the connection they break – or need too..the bond of mother and child .,


Feminism now stands for FAMILY


how when my mom died ,, when she just couldn’t bear the pain – there was no understanding for her to even think –

of this and back then –

 - mom couldn’t have –  my rapist dadd took full advantage of my mom,, to never be her own self ,, ever after..she , met him.


only because we hear then through the grape vine –

we hear – what gets passed through what we also see and hear – feminine rights –

how I remember when I first told that to dadd , , he must have blown a socket in his head ,, because I was older and he couldn’t get mad anymore , he could only degrade,,– he had to watch his cool to not say things then.. he would regret .,

At work ,, we had a sisters from hell group,, debra ,, she helped me too,, to be strong,, I just couldn’t see yet..only se.

but I heard and I remembered like a squirrel,, her just being so strong and for such a little body ,, she was so ,,powerful!

to not protect your own brothers and sisters –

then what do we have left..and it is your real

brothers and sisters too, to protect

and it is just a lesson to learn – and if you do –

it is like – then you see here , ,is not even , a place ., !


you can abuse my mind,, but I Will make it greater..

i’m not afraid of you dadd.. you do not have your own child’s eye to seee, even you..

 you..only told you thought was  me.

I can learn,, even on my own.. I am my own, identity !!



you see now some of my wounds, suffered by a child to shame it’s life,, not the rapist

to pretend to be a father dadd , the most horrible crime to all families that love


you do remember your first..your first outside of the family stranger rapist,, , but you do not even see it as rape,, only your fault..

the start of now it being my shame,, which should have never been even known to a child as to feel, know of..shame of adults.

how to be told again to keep a secret,, but somehow they put it on you ,,, as to you to feel ,it is all your fault,, that you let this horrible rapist on you ,,but you are only a child.. the trauma that will be done to you,, the pain starts so young... it started out as me playing with his dogs,, then let alone with him,, played cards,, fish,, crib, and then it just excelled from there,, he would say,, did you like it when I did that.,.,.,but you didn’t,, then you would get ice cream, then before you know it ,, you where laying in his bed.but also,, you would fall,,asleep..

. and you couldn’t say anything to anyone ,, because soon,, you thought you did..then now you going back to keep , visiting ,, but the older you get, the more times it happens,, the more you realize his touch - - is not right ., but you can’t say any thing –

you are 100% ashamed,, you would tell your parents when they ask how come I am not going over to play with otto ,, I would think of a reason not too, , I had to now,, lie..(or I thought I was to my parents,,but they,,already knew)

and to me,, as a child of only 7.. you are already 100% ashamed ,, now your gut is so are dying,, inside.. your will to keep fighting,, when there is no one around for help.. a child has two overcome not only one that is not helping it,, but two parents are not , because mom already dead and gone,, for her to se ,, to help ,me.

ask me which uncles to stay away from –

what did he seee to know.. imagine…there has always been those here,, with a different sight.

there will always be us that think differently.,.,  when will you seee to Understand ,what it means


if you do not think you should fight for your kids’ souls  - - what do you then,, fight for..

what you seee on the other side is,,,, Family…All Families..!!!!!!!

dadd,,, you stay here..and how you know that already..

you can abuse my mind,, but I can make it greater..for then families to see how to protect

I AM NOT WEAK,, only made to se , feel, that I am

     so those that are,, can abuse my Existence

  life is only the role they gave me to never know

           we are all more than only a life..

   the mind is so incredible – when it is yours,,

           connected to your own soul.

understanding is all that we can even do here 

we are so incredible !!!! without abuse.,

none of us are with it..




please take care of all the parts and /of family..each child has their own destiny..even if there are those as shit to try and abuse it

how many of you knew about me.,. besides my abusers,,, and didn’t care to, help me, and my kids,, from shame ,, not even ours.


to lie - -

it is the worst thing to do to your own self – family, friends,.

lies become thoughts not real.,.

what then is real then., about you? what can you feel then about you ,, that is then.,., real.





we are more than only told

why does my brain

keep saying so !!



I’m not perfect

but I wouldn’t

wish this on

any lifeform.

no animal

no human

no one organism cell

or multi universal mind !!

lol –

we are so incredible !!

why would you want to be


I can’t understand it..

if you pick a side.,, you only se,, or view or look ., only one to do..

when you pick neither ,. , to have to do to see - -you then get to step 3

to understand why not too;to not pick only a side!!,, a half non-existent life that is only a role.!! it’s so cool !! when you take your self out of the room ,environment.,.,, to see, , differently and of you – !!

how it doesn’t matter ., as to ,, anything , else.!!

what did you learn.. what now do you understand just even ., maybe  a little bit more !! –

right ,., see it !! why would I chose to be sad,, when I can be happy ., it is the abuser, the rapist,  that cannot..


your whole world ddave,.,

revolved around me - -

not the other way around..

your pain ,,, not mine.,.


I am that cross between sides .,.– were it is like –

if you do not have an equilibrium –

you know –

it’s done.,. and you greedy fcks who think only you are so fckn smart –

well ., here is my Fu .,

I know your tricks dadd - -

it is so the next generation doesn’t hear-----

what you did  - -

to the one ,, before.,.

your just a coward non-existent piece of shit.,.,


to not share all what we are as to our own knowledge and rights –

it is only you – that needed me to then have me to be weaker –

 - it is me – that fckn does not want to ever be weak… and how I,am not.

so grow up –

like how can you not se –

if I can se you –

and how it is –

by all accounts it seems like I shouldn’t –


so then what am i? what then are all of us ? what else crzy fun can we do!! as to how you can heal within your own moon. !! !! lol !!       your so old to your understanding of what then –

was then –

even ., us.

because to not see how I am a miracle and to at least my self –

can you not se to se to understand

– maybe you did break my brain but .,I  found my mind.

without ,,, any connections –- !!!


 what else can I do – !!

I don’t give a shit what else ddave can do –or my dadd., .  they already showed all that was only them to do to be to not ever understand,,. any thing else.,

i do not need to be less,, when I can see that more is to where then.,. I always wanted to BE!! because for me to not give up, so many times in my shitty life ., and then at the end ,, to see –

like – !!! amazing we all should feel ! BE! it is you wanting us to be less,, it is families that do not want to..


to remember then –

where then we are - !! –

 right –

it can all change !! –

!! it is you that is afraid my rapists

to think this the best – and then this is then were your understanding stops .,     it just is - -

if you only se to look through your eyes and only – your not alive.,.

and how you know ddave ., how I had to see you ., not by seeing through me .,

you can be on either end of the scale – good or bad – it is the same –

it is the same thing – as to the correlation that it will bring

there is more than only what is here –!! there is more than only too what we only se here –!!

it really is incredible to feel more – !!

of my own soul to feel !!

and..from only.,., one breathe.!!

without Family.,.,. Existence is lost…

IOWC Children Intelligence.



what is of an existence –

if it was never

here –



so,,, is that it?/ because my dadd didn’t teach me anything –about other people –

- and it is everybody else that knows –

 - it is just not me –   - every body really is laughing at me –


because how come we do not learn this in school –     so it must be then,, not too,.,


 how can you say you do not know about me –   for doctors to not be able to put 2 and 2 together –

 of course of course they know said the horse being led to make glue

 – just not me ., it is those as me,, to not se ,, all of you….


every one that sees me thinks I am stupid., or dumb ., or a whore.,., and I am not – I do not see my self as like that –

why didn’t any one care enough about me – to help me –

 - to stop – and just se me .,, inside – what was me – crying – screaming - -inside –

 - instead of only still lie . ,.

 and all this time to never know?? like how stupid am i??how dumb dadd did you have to make me to be your whore=?? so you could fck me??? have old fckn men fck me – then for the rest of my existence ., shitty ddaves

my whole existence – was never mine ., like wtf – how could you do this to me?/ when you knew too no one would ever seee me .,.

they do just think –

 like that cop said – how he didn’t show me any respect was why should he right ,, he knew he didn’t have too.


what did I even survive for?/ for so many times – I died and came back ., and to .,. repeat .,, was me ., only doing ., only as I was programmed –

 - because no one loved me at my birth .,. ,

you really can do then ,.,. anything with a child ., turn her into a doll that can only look out .,.

why did I have to be the whore? what test did I not pass ., when I said , no?



so every one knows you can do this to kids??? and you do?? but no one also too,, helps then to not?? to undo??


I could never understand why people would spend so much time together and lie to each other ,, pretend to then be friends? I do not understand -? why would you waste all that time??

why you would not want to be real.

.,.,.,.look who’s talking. ., right ,., I would lol as to laugh at the funny I made  ., but I do not think I can ,,

why am I eve nwriting this for ?? no one will see it , ,to care .,


no wonder you didn’t want to spend any money on me ., right –

why would you ., you might as well as burn it., , along with my soul .,


no one cared ever as to even see me ., to say –

not ever –

what., nothing??

like even talking to me ,., is stupid??

well I guess-

you all beat me down as I try to get up .,


I don’t understand –

such an incredible ,,.., whatever we are  ., and you need those as me then as toys??

boy, the ,, irony ., I think that is right , irony,–


is that why people treat me the way they do –

is because they can .,

no one above me is going to care about me ., and I am , the bottom .,

that;s why you stressed me so much and you got my daughter  - you really were trying to take her away  - and you really didn’t care about joey at all you treated him as me ., your still a piece of shit dadd ., even more .,


all that I am ..,

no one here .,



you all saw me ,, it is you that didn’t care,, why would you,,

when I was born,, to a rapist.


if there wasn’t any protection for my mom., and she had brothers and sisters.,

why do I think then I am so special ,, right ,, why would I think then that someone would care about me., ., better than what my mom even got .,

all they see is dadd and hate him ,, and do not se,, mom,, anymore ,, too. ,., there is no family ,, no tree ,, no more .,


and for what?? so you could fck the tree??? when it was dead? and not alive?? I do not understand –


I stand corrected.. is there any one cool here?? or just a flake ., ,.of sand. the fluff or the shit ., how it doesn’t matter to the mind – how it is the same trap –    you should have known that …


if no one takes the time for you and your family won’t even –

only wolves left then ,, to find you..

it won’t even matter,, if you are even as me.


if no one is free –

how you then make only sure –


was the game only then,.,.,

would I ever know.


you took me from me –

so you could make me into garbage??

you think you are the winners rapist dadd ., because you can beat up on babies..


where are we

how it is me to not know –

what all others do –

as to how they can and did and do – harm my existence and from me and from those born to me –


and no one to care - -

no one to se to care –

no one to be –

even of family –


no more - -is there safety for a child - -

if it is the monsters that get to hide.